Introducing the new Gaukatron 18, the latest appliance being trialled at the Ministry of Justice. It has no flashing lights, no special attachments, no tendency to blow a gasket and start leaking like the Bozzatron in use at the Foreign Office. The Gaukatron just sits there humming, absorbing all the rubbish, before sweeping it under the carpet in the hope that no one will ask where it went.
Previous models of the Gaukatron were deployed at the Treasury and Department for Work and Pensions. George Osborne used to swear by his. “Uncork the Gauke” went the cry whenever the chancellor found himself in a mess. The Gaukatron spent seven years humming away in that department, then seven months tackling Universal Credit. If the pattern continues, he may get only seven weeks to tidy up Justice.
Yesterday the Gaukatron was given an easy start to departmental questions. The first few were all about the impact that Brexit will have on the law, and he trotted out the boilerplate: “We are ambitious to get the best deal for Britain, etc.”
Ben Bradley, the young Tory MP for Mansfield who has been in a spot of trouble over some silly things he once wrote about sterilising the unemployed, asked something about foreign criminals. Perhaps he wants to cut off their testicles. It was hard to tell as he just mumbled with one hand in his pocket. Not an impressive figure. The Gaukatron hoovered that one up nicely.
He then dealt with toadying Bob Neill (C, Bromley & Chislehurst), who remarked that the previous lord chancellor, to give the Gaukatron its posh name, to come from Ipswich was Cardinal Wolsey. “He ran into some difficulties in negotiations with a powerful European supranational body,” the Gaukatron replied. “I should tread carefully.”
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All this time a big mess needed attention but it took 20 minutes before anyone raised it. “Don’t mention the Worboys” seemed to be the theme. The imminent release of the rapist after a ludicrously brief spell inside had been dumped on the Gaukatron. The original sentence was not his fault — where is Sir Keir Starmer anyway? — nor was the parole board’s decision but the public demands Something Must Be Done. So far the Gaukatron’s tactic has been to hum a bit in the hope that activity is confused with action.
Reading from his folder carefully, almost running a finger along each line, the Gaukatron’s performance contrasted with that of Rory Stewart, the new prisons minister, who, as usual, had learnt his lines thoroughly and done his research so that he could deliver his thoughts without a cribsheet. The swot.
The Gaukatron will never speak without notes if he can avoid it. He did not deviate from the carefully drafted lines prepared for him. “This is a complex area where the rightful concerns of victims will be considered but balanced with the legal rights of offenders,” he said. A thorough review will go on until Easter. Licence conditions are an “operational matter”. Hummmmmm went the Gaukatron. Round and round went the dirt. It was still there at the end but in very neat piles so that you almost failed to see it.