Served on a bed of...
A Balinese beach. A four-poster bed on the sand. And a five-course dinner served as you sprawl. Neofile is wary of using the word "heaven" in relation to tropical resorts, but the new gimmick at Four Seasons Jimbaran Bay (00 800 6488 6488; doubles from £150, beach-bed dinner £66pp) doesn't sound far off.
Now this really is scary
Universal's Florida theme park is proudly plugging its new autumn attraction: Halloween Horror nights, with appearances from X-rated sadistic slashers Freddie Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street), Jason (Friday the 13th) and Leatherface (The TexasChainsaw Massacre).Bogglingly, there's no age restriction, thougha footnote states that all that dismemberment "may be too intense for young children". Just dandy for older ones, then.
For the split personality
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Love the new Diamond Divorce package at the Grand Velas hotel (www.grandvelas.com ), in Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico: a ring remodelling consultation, a spa scrub-up programme and unlimited booze, so you can drink to forget. It's £440 a night - but hey, that's what alimony's for.
£2,000 a night to sleep in a tent?
No walls? No roof? Two grand? This chic camping nonsense has got to stop. Yes, the "tented villa suites" at the new Banyan Tree Maldives Madivaru (www.banyantree.com ) will come with teak furniture, timber floors, a private pool and a 24-hour butler; yes, you get a living tent, a sleeping tent and a bath tent (complete with two spa beds for private treatments); yes, there are just six suites on the 19,000 sq yd island, so you've got all that azure-sea, bleached-beach perfection almost to yourselves ... actually, it almost sounds worth it, doesn't it? Carrier (0161 491 7630, www.carrier.co.uk ) has a slightly less punishing package price than the rack rate - £4,860pp for a week, full-board, including flights.
We didn't realise it was a problem
At last, there is an end to the dreaded "hotel bathroom lavatory seat accidental percussion" misery. The Mykonos Grace hotel (www.i-escape.com/mykonosgrace.php ) has installed antislam loo seats: a gentle gliding mechanism ensures that your visit ends with a whisper, not a bang.