Q. My wife has started getting into porn, which I’m not a fan of at all. She’s suggested watching it together or incorporating things she’s seen into our sex life. Why am I finding this such a turn-off?
A. If you think rationally about porn, it is a turn-off. There is no romance, no subtlety and no plot. The fact that it is farcical is not the only reason it gives so many people the creeps. There is legitimate concern about the mental and physical health of men and women who choose a career in porn. Obviously, however, there are millions of people who see past all of this and find that it can be a reliable way to speed up sexual arousal and have an orgasm. The average user of Pornhub (according to its own data) spends 9 minutes and 20 seconds on the site, and in that time they view nine different videos.
Your wife is not particularly unusual. In the UK, 69 per cent of Pornhub visitors are men and 31 per cent are women, but the perception that porn is a predominantly male pursuit means that very little research has been conducted on female pornography use. In 2020 the psychologist Sean McNabney and his team at Valparaiso University in Indiana attempted to address the research gap by asking over 2,400 women in the United States and Hungary to complete a survey that asked them about their sexual behaviour. They found that women who frequently used porn said they found it easier to become aroused and have an orgasm. There was no evidence that using porn had a negative effect on relationship quality either, or that women were using porn to make up for deficiencies in their relationship.
Other studies have come to similar conclusions, finding consistent evidence that partners who watch pornography together reported higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than those who did not. Some evidence is more mixed though. In 2021 John Foubert at Oklahoma University conducted research which found that using porn with a partner led to feelings of inadequacy, unrealistic expectations, decreased sexual satisfaction and feelings of betrayal in some. These findings support other analysis which found that porn use led to lower levels of couples satisfaction, but only for men. Women’s sexual and relationship satisfaction was unaffected. One suggestion was that this might be because porn use primes men to feel sexually dissatisfied with their partner.
So you are perfectly justified in finding porn off-putting. It can be a nasty and exploitative industry and there is evidence that when couples are not aligned, using porn together is not a good idea. Rather than shame your wife by denigrating her new habit, you might find common ground if you explore erotic literature together. It is as effective as pornography — if not more so — at increasing arousal, but no humans get harmed in creating it, so it alleviates the moral stress. Win-win for both of you.
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