Monday
“You’re lying,” I say. “These are lies. It’s disgusting and pathetic and I won’t let the matter rest here.”
Rishi Sunak looks nervous. “But I haven’t said anything yet,” he says.
I roll my eyes.
“Wow!” says Michael Gove, who is sitting in the corner. “She’s so refreshing! I mean, isn’t she?”
“This Post Office guy?” I say. “Henry Staunton? He’s blatantly just seeking revenge. After I dismissed him. For good reason. Because there were numerous concerns about his behaviour. Including bullying. And … ”
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“Now, look,” says Rishi, standing up. “He says he wasn’t aware of that. And do you really think somebody could be so intimidating in their job without anybody even mentioning it?”
“You sit the f*** down,” I say. “I’m still talking.”
“Sorry,” says Rishi, and does.
Tuesday
In fact, this Staunton guy was not “taking the rap”. This is so untrue. Yes, there was a huge public clamour for action after that Post Office drama on ITV, immediately before I sacked him. But that’s just a total coincidence.
“It just sounds a bit unlikely,” says one of my special advisers, “when you say it out loud.”
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“Maybe I’ll sack somebody else?” I muse, and he gulps.
Then he says that this isn’t our only problem this week. Because last month I told the House of Commons that trade talks with Canada were “ongoing”. And Canada now says they aren’t.
“They’re lying,” I say, briskly.
“Really?” says my spad. “Canada? Canada is lying, now?”
“It’s the media,” I tell him, vaguely.
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My spad says there’s also something brewing over my claim that I’ve “engaged extensively with LGBT groups”. Because a freedom of information request has just shown that I haven’t.
“The only people who attack me,” I snort, “are people who are afraid of me.”
“But this is the problem,” says my spad. “That’s literally everyone.”
Wednesday
At PMQs, Rishi has refused to back my claim that Staunton was lying.
“Keep her away from me,” he says to Michael Gove afterwards, scurrying around behind his chair.
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“It’s her winning personality,” muses Michael. “Who can resist?”
Before we can thrash it out, though, we all have to rush straight back into the chamber because things are kicking off over the Gaza debate. Apparently Sir Lindsay Hoyle has broken protocol by accepting a Labour amendment.
“This is really bad,” mutters Rishi, as we sit down. “He’s been bullied.”
“More lies,” I say. “I never touched him.”
Then Sir Lindsay stands up and says he’s actually increasingly concerned about the safety of every MP in the chamber.
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“Go Kemi!” whispers Michael, happily.
Thursday
We’re debriefing in No 10 after yesterday’s chaos. My main rival Penny Mordaunt is here, holding her sword.
“It’s so pathetic,” I snap, “how you always carry that.”
“Not always,” says Penny, knuckles whitening. “Just in meetings with you.”
Then Penny says 67 MPs have now signed a motion of no confidence.
“Oh God,” says Rishi.
“In the Speaker,” she clarifies. “Not you.”
“Wow,” says Rishi. “Makes a change.”
Then he says the main lesson of yesterday is that we must never again let frightening people, driven by their own unwavering rage, change the minds of elected politicians.
“And Penny will be announcing that later,” he adds.
“The hell she will,” I say. “You do it.”
“OK, I’ve changed my mind,” says Rishi. “I will.”
Friday
Now Rishi says he’s changed his mind again, and maybe he’ll go easy on Sir Lindsay after all. Because it suddenly occurred to him, he says, that demanding immediate resignations when people do something wrong might not actually be in our interest.
“But I’ve never done anything wrong,” I remind him. “That’s only other people.”
Rishi winces. Then he says we’ve been lucky this week, because other stuff has happened.
“But I don’t think you’re out of the woods,” he says, “and nor are the rest of us. Because the allegation that we’re just going to hobble into the next election without fixing anything does ring true. And we do need a strategy for dealing with it.”
“Pathetic lies!” I shout. “Shameless dishonesty! Brazen untruths!”
“I dunno,” says Rishi. “We’ve sort of tried that already.”
*according to Hugo Rifkind
