John Whittingdale, the former media minister, recently said that UK broadcasters should make more programmes that are “distinctly British” and that more directly reflect “Britain and British values”. British values have always been vague — what do we stand for again? Driving to beauty spots and eating our sandwiches in the car? — but one thing we (thankfully) learnt this week is exactly what such “values” are. Therefore, expect a slew of TV shows, as follows.
Come Dine with Me, But If Asked Say We Didn’t
Self-explanatory. And yes, the sneering narrator will still be in place but with an extended remit also to laugh at the British public while they are dying of Covid. Alternatively this show does not exist and has never existed. Despite the video evidence. “It never took place,” says the head of Channel 4, “even though we have a record of it.” They are hoping to win a Bafta for best show that didn’t happen, but if it did, should we just say it was cheese and wine? Would that make it OK?
Would I Present a Rosier Picture of Events to You?
A new twist on this popular panel quiz show, where panellists will read out statements about themselves that will offer a rosier picture of events, possibly from an actual rose garden, in the hope that no one will spot they are full-blown liars. Panellist statements may include: “I did not wish to drive to Barnard Castle, but if your child begs, ‘Daddy, Daddy, please strap me into the car to test if you’re a danger on the roads,’ what can you do? My children will always come first.”
‘‘I clutched the arse of my mistress when I should have been social distancing because I was about to topple over and then my mouth landed on her mouth, accidentally. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents says this happens regularly and is up there with falling off a ladder. Why am I so clumsy?!!!!”
“I ordered this gold wallpaper when it was late and I was a bit drunk and then floundered to stump up for it, as you do. Nothing sinister to see here. Usually it’s shoes.”
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Extra points are awarded for the blithest disregarding of established facts. Whittingdale has already greenlighted this project “as a terrific tribute to who we are and where we are at”. He added that he wasn’t sacked in the recent cabinet reshuffle. “I wanted to spend more time with my family,” he said.
Line of Booty
A new drama in which an MP, known only as “GC”, is on the line from the Caribbean and personally enriching himself when he should be attending his constituents. Will he be brought to book or will systemic corruption at the highest levels allow him off the hook? Scripted by Jed Mercurio, this is “an exciting new series which truly reflects modern Britain”, he has said. Meanwhile, Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey have signed up afresh as “we have no shame either. And the money is good.”
Downton Abbey
“Upstairs” will deride “Downstairs” every week while forcing them to visit food banks. “Smashing,” Julian Fellowes says. “Exactly as it should be.’’ Bates will, of course, be framed for something or other. Particularly if Upstairs hits a spot of bother and needs an underling to carry the can.
Only Don’t Connect
Contestants will be invited to not connect their own behaviour with the rules they themselves made and that the nation is otherwise following. They may not even know what the rules are and may have to ask, “What’s the answer?”, which will earn a point, probably two. Usually with this show it’s fiendishly difficult for audiences at home, but as the host, Victoria Coren Mitchell, says: “This time it’s fiendishly easy to see what they can’t. Even the picture round showing a Christmas party and then Grandma dying all alone can’t catch them out. They are just so brilliant at not connecting.” This may be joined by a similar show, QI (Quintessentially Ignorant), in due course.
Don’t forget to SMILE!
Now we know that Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein kept a 58-page “household manual” stipulating what they expected from staff — “aim to please”; “SMILE!”; you do not say “yeah”; you say, “Thank you, I enjoy doing it” — I think every house should have one.
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To this end I have produced my own household manual, which also runs to 58 pages, because standards have become pretty lax around here, as evidenced by the blackened oven dish that was set to soak months ago and which we are all still circling, passive-aggressively. And the pile of items that sits at the bottom of the stairs, as what comes down does not necessarily ever go up again.
My manual also stipulates “SMILE!”, but not, I have added, mostly for Slave Niece’s benefit, when stepping over the post on the way in or out, because it could push me over the edge. Ditto picking up the post, checking if anything is for you, then dropping it all down again. If you SMILE! on such an occasion, I have said, I may have to PUNCH! you.
I am not demanding that toothpaste be replaced when half used, or tissues when two thirds used, because we’re not obscene wastrels, but am demanding that empty jars are not put back in cupboards. Rinse, recycle, say: “Thank you, I enjoy doing it.” As this would be music to my ears, as opposed to: “It wasn’t me.”
Most importantly, no family member must ever disclose Ms Ross’s whereabouts to anybody, since she may be wanted by the news desk and may therefore have to pretend she’s already working on a story at the opposite end of the country. Although, to be fair, everyone in this house is pretty good about this one already. That’s been drummed into them, at least.
