‘My partner puts his mum first’

Sara

A I want to reply to you by first stating, very clearly, that what I will go on to say is neither meant to be, nor should be, construed as an attack on Hindu culture.

That said, let’s get down to the issue here. Your situation sounds almost impossible to shift because it is clear that two of the three people involved in this triangular relationship are unwilling to change their position. Therefore, to make changes you are probably going to have to work on yourself.

Culture is fundamentally important in terms of identity. Culture contributes to how we define ourselves in terms of our language, the way we think, our creativity, our knowledge, our spirituality and the way we interact with each other.

It provides us with the framework for experiences that contribute to the development of our belief systems, which in part power our identity. A belief could be thought of as a lens. Like light passing through a lens and being refracted depending on the shape of that lens — an experience will be interpreted and reacted to accordingly.

If I believed that my son Jack should never replace me as his primary female attachment — even when he is an adult — then any woman who comes into his life will be (a) a threat to that position and (b) someone that I must “manage” to retain my status in my son’s life.

I do not subscribe to such a belief system but then I do not come from a culture where the maternal role and identity is so described and prescribed. Your mother-in-law clearly does, and is supported by your husband, her son. The question is: can you manage to remain married to a man whose beliefs lead him to think, feel and behave in ways that do not fit with your view or experience of marital love?

There are people who will stay with a partner despite enormous differences in beliefs. These people often have to compromise on a number of levels but draw comfort from the fact that they are “managing” the relationship and taking from it what they need and desire.

It might be possible for you to do this. You will need to accept that the entrenched positions of husband and mother-in-law will never change and then consider what you need to do in order to manage this.

Are you the kind of woman who can play the loyal wife and dutiful daughter-in-law as and when needed?

However, I do advise that you mark the onset of this process by sitting down with your husband and clearly explaining why you feel so unhappy. In this conversation it is important for you to show an understanding and respect for the cultural underpinnings of his belief systems. If he feels understood and not attacked, he is more likely to want to empathise with your position.

It may be possible for you to work together to find a way to manage this triangular relationship. It may also be useful to find some support from a counsellor or clinical psychologist (see bacp.co.uk; bps.org.uk). Search for someone who is culturally sensitive to Hindu traditions. You could also contact the Women’s Resource Centre (wrc.org.uk) for advice on support networks specific to your situation.

However, if your husband is so entrenched that he will not see beyond his position and empathise with yours, you have some decisions to make. Do you leave a marriage where your emotional needs are not going to be met? Or do you create a role that enables you to remain married and manage this challenge?

To put it crudely: do you compromise by keeping others happy, even if by doing so you have to behave in ways that do not sit comfortably with you?

If you do, it may be possible to extract and enjoy the happiness you want. Given your current emotional state, I wonder if this could be sustained and if it would allow you to be truly happy.

Another point to consider is that if you have children, particularly daughters, who will be raised and educated in Western culture, there may well be a number of conflicts as they question the dynamic in the family.

If you have a family problem, e-mail proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk