I’m going through some difficulties at home and would appreciate some advice. I’m 18 and studying at university, but have had to move back home since my sister died as my mum is finding it hard to cope. She recently got back with a man she was with when I was younger and he’s often very abusive towards me. He’s thrown hot coffee on me before and has burnt me with cigarettes; a few months back he threw me down the stairs and I fractured my wrist. It’s getting worse and I’m finding it really hard to cope.
The abuse isn’t directed towards my mum, but she knows what’s going on and just tells me to stay out of his way, which I try to do, but he always picks an argument with me and uses it as an excuse to beat me up. I can’t move out at the moment because my mum says that she needs me and doesn’t want me to go, and I worry that if I’m not there he’ll turn on her because I know what he’s capable of.
However it has started to affect my studies, I can’t concentrate and I’ve lost my appetite; I’m also finding it hard to sleep. I don’t know how to make him stop, or how to help him. How do I cope with his violence? I need to be able to stay so I can support my mum. She’s asked me to stay and would be so upset if I moved out, but I don’t know what to do any more as I’m finding it harder and harder to cope.
Anna
Reading your letter has made me feel terribly angry and also very worried. It is really important that we think through all the difficulties you face in a calm manner, as I don’t want to make worse the internal and external conflicts that you are already dealing with. However, I must stress that you are in physical and psychological danger and, while I understand why you take the abuse, you need to realise that you are just allowing a dangerous situation to get worse.
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The death of your sister must have been devastating to you all. I have a sister and know that to lose her would take me beyond pain. Your mother and you have been thrown together by grief and shock and this is entirely normal; the way that you both are “coping” with the extraordinary sadness that you both must be feeling is, however, a serious problem.
You are being abused in a system- atic and perverse way. Your mother’s partner is committing a crime with every physical attack on you and if arrested — which I believe he must be — he could be charged with assault, actual bodily harm with intent (ABH) and grievous bodily harm with intent (GBH). These are serious charges and custodial sentences can be imposed.
Before I spell out your solutions, however, I think we must focus more on the enmeshed problems that exist in your household as your story reflects that of many people (usually but not always women) who are trapped in violent relationships. Most people reading your letter will be amazed that you don’t leave the house — move away, get on with your studies, your life. However, many victims in your position (and please don’t be offended by the word victim) do stay, which defies logic. But this isn’t about logic, this is about emotions that cloud logic and push us into behaviour that is designed to make things better when, in fact, they make situations worse.
You are protecting your mother and, in the process, destroying yourself. Your poor concentration, bad sleep and loss of appetite signals very clearly that you are clinically depressed. Depression is a maladaptive coping strategy that further entrenches the problem and increa- ses your helplessness to get out of this dangerous situation. Even put- ting aside the obvious questions about your mother’s demands on you (which appear anything but maternal and are breathtaking in their selfish narcissism); to expect and demand that you, her child, take the assaults on her behalf shows an extreme inversion of the parent-child relationship that is damaging to all involved. You have become the masochist while being the protector and in the process you are becoming physically battered and mentally unwell.
The key point is that, while your actions are intended to keep your mother safe (partly to compensate for the loss of your sister), by becoming the punchbag in the family, you allow things to reach a perverse equilibrium where the destructive behaviour can be played out and no one actually has to change.
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I have met many families with similar stories: children younger than you who have constructed in their mind a family role that is about “keeping everyone safe”; children who endure weeks, months, years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse to protect siblings or a parent; children who often end up depressed, suicidal and damaged and become the symbolic representation of the destructive dysfunction that they have been trying to manage.
By taking the abuse from this man you allow him to avoid the consequences of his behaviour and so change. The most compassionate would argue that you are denying him the opportunity to receive help; the least compassionate would say you are stopping him from being punished. I hold both views.
By colluding with your mother’s dependence on this violent man it could be argued that you are pushed into masochism by proxy. You are being asked to be the victim to protect her — this is extreme emotional blackmail. Furthermore, you are not allowing her to really get help for her significant emotional issues. You are allowing her to punish your dead sister (she must be furious with her for dying and leaving) via you. Your mother needs serious help and you are part of the reason why she isn’t getting any.
Please do not feel that I am blaming you. I am surprised by the emotion I feel as I write this given my many clinical years — I thought I was desensitised from the horror of stories such as yours. However, by suggesting to you that you are not helping your mother, I hope to compel you to look beyond the short term (taking the blows) and into the long term (enabling her, as well as you, to move out of this destructive phase of her life).
You are in serious danger and so you must leave this situation. Immediately. Find support — talk to a friend, or speak to your GP. You must contact some or all of the organisations that offer support and advice to women trapped in violent relationships: www.womensaid.org.uk (0808 2000247) (24-hour free phone); National Centre for Domestic Violence: ncdv.org.uk, (08709 220704 or 08009 702070); Victim Support Helpline: www.victimsupport.com (0845 3030900). If you are in immediate danger call 999.
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You are an adult and so no one can make you do anything until you are ready but, given that it appears you are depressed, I am concerned that your ability to see a way out is compromised. So, even if you can’t consider leaving at the moment at least start talking to people who can help you to map alternative life choices.
I suspect that there are many who feel overwhelmingly concerned about you and will want to know how you are. I want to keep people updated about your progress so please keep in touch via e-mail. Although you feel helpless and alone, there are many of us now with you and wanting you to be well, safe and happy — please let us all know how you are doing.
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E-mail: drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk
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Dr Byron cannot enter into personal correspondence