Richard has always maintained that the logical extension of the efforts to create greater opportunities for women is that men will have more choices, too. But we still have narrow preconceptions about the role men should play. I was reminded of this when I asked our middle son, Tuppy (then aged eight), what he wanted to do when he grew up and was momentarily taken aback by his answer, “I think I’ll stay at home like Dad.”
The role of men in society has long been to focus on developing their careers, gain status and influence, provide financially for their families, and offer “security” as the family leader, the patriarch. That sounds old-fashioned, but the reality is that while men are now expected to participate more in family and domestic life, those are more additional than replacement expectations.
How many times have you spotted “weekend dads” (just as I might be perceived as a weekend mum), clearly “alpha men”, pushing buggies, taking older children to the park, throwing themselves into their fatherhood responsibilities with gusto at the end of a long working week, often alone, presumably to give their wives and partners a break. It’s difficult for men, too, to work out how to be modern, to be “sensitive”, yet also relevant and successful when that is defined in terms of status, earnings and power.
My husband stopped working full time in 1999, long before the current wave of intense focus on gender equality. Richard has a first-class philosophy degree from Trinity College Dublin and is incredibly well read. His perspective is an essential aspect of our family life. His experiences have also foreshadowed the very incomplete evolution of thinking about how all our roles are in flux. We are now looking less at role reversal and more at sharing different aspects of what it takes to bring up a family, earn money and develop careers. The sharing arrangement is not static, either, but likely to vary from one stage of our lives to another.
Rather than hear my interpretation of Richard’s views, he agreed to answer some questions directly and I am grateful to him for sharing them.
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H: It was an unusual step to offer to go freelance and play a bigger role in the upbringing of our children — what were your reasons for doing that?
R: I felt as if I had completed my current career path, which is unusual as I was only 35. But I experienced a strong pull to live a different kind of life — one where I could contribute to our family in a more meaningful way and be more true to myself.
It was obvious to me that I had reached a ceiling in terms of what I could further achieve in journalism, intellectually and financially, whereas your path was much more open-ended, with fewer limits and greater potential earning power.
H: Are you happy with the way it worked out — for you?
R: Yes, I am, but I can’t really separate “me” from how it has worked out for you and the family. The happiness of others is very important to me and I feel I have been a positive and supportive influence for our family together. However, with the children now growing up and starting to move on, I feel I must consider how I might do things differently and explore what’s next. I already feel poignant about seeing the children moving on, so I need to ensure there is not a vacuum in my life!
H: What aspects haven’t you enjoyed?
R: It has felt lonely at times — it’s as if I’m living between two worlds. I’m neither a housewife with friends and a yoga practice nor a man in the public domain working and playing golf with colleagues. It has sometimes been aggravating and frustrating. I have felt a mismatch between my insight and understanding and my capacity to use that in the world outside our family. It feels like I am less defined and conventional, so I have to account for myself with people who don’t know me. That can be tedious. But it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things.
H: Do you think it has been beneficial for the children? For the family as a whole?
R: I think the children are good-hearted people and well balanced (mostly!) and they are happy. We both have provided them with stability and a feeling they have our support to find their own way in life.
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I have initiated various routines over the years — “cocktail time” (before you call social services, this is actually crisps and raw vegetables served at 5pm), “sitting down time” (shorthand for saying enough jumping around), the repetitive airing of favourite TV shows such as Modern Family , and so on. That’s provided some certainty for the children, and a sense of belonging, in a world that can be unsettling and confusing.
H: Are you surprised that nearly two decades later you are still one of few men we know who has a “non-traditional” role?
R: I’m not surprised, but it is more nuanced than it was 20 years ago. There are more men in flexible jobs and who are self-employed, so that allows them to be more involved with their family. But there are not many men who “just” look after the family. Even I tell people I’m also a meditation teacher! Being a parent in our society is not seen as a meaningful full-time role, especially for a man, given the lack of income.
Men of my generation have been brought up to believe our success is inextricably linked to our careers. Part of the issue is that many “successful” businessmen actually feel quite insecure, as well as competitive. They are simply not willing to risk losing out in a world they feel committed to, and many of them were not brought up to develop their nurturing side. They may be happy to support these initiatives once they’ve “made it”, but on the way up it is harder to step back and stay at home.
H: Do the different ways we educate boys and girls perpetuate imbalance?
R: We’ve seen that girls’ schooling can unintentionally reinforce the girls’ insecurities, while boys’ schooling needs to evolve to equip men for more possibilities than a linear career. Schools, parents, the media, governments have a tendency to compare girls with boys, women with men, trying to fit the women into the men’s template, which will never lead to equality and happiness. Women shouldn’t feel under any pressure to copy men and men shouldn’t feel pressured to live like their fathers. The change will come when it happens for both men and women and when we all start to learn that we have options to live differently.
Extracted from A Good Time to Be a Girl by Helena Morrissey, published on February 8 (William Collins £15)