My son, 4 months, has been demanding from the start. His sister, now 2, slept through the night at six weeks and rarely cried. My son usually sleeps through the night — the problem occurs during the day. He cries within minutes of being put down. He generally tolerates up to five minutes of being on his gym or in his chair before screaming. If I pick him up, he stops. He is usually happy to be carried around, but sometimes even this is not good enough. I find this frustrating, even depressing. I leave him to cry because I don’t feel it is good for my daughter to see me always carrying him, but his screaming makes me feel guilty. I may have met all his needs — ie, fed and winded him, put on a clean nappy — but he is still not happy to sit and play with his toys. Am I harming him psychologically by leaving him to cry? Could there be something physically wrong with him?
Lucy, 32
I had the same experience. I’d had 2½ years with a happy baby girl who went easily into routines and spent her life smiling. Then along came our beloved son, who took his time to do so. And why not? After all, he is a different person, a second child of an older mother, with an exhausting toddler sibling. But I remember wondering where I had gone wrong and feeling as if I’d lost my amazing first-time mother powers. I also recall feeling very low.
Since then I have spoken to many women who have had similar experiences and, anecdotally, it seems that the transition from one child to two is more difficult than the challenge of having your first. Not only are we older and rushing round after No 1 driven with guilt for “betraying” them by having No 2, but also the huge fuss that people make when you have your first child wanes with the second, as do the offers of help.
So how to deal with a baby who cries all the time? Work through a list of possibilities; if, by the end, none has helped, at least you know you’ve done everything possible. Feed him, give him a drink; move him; check his temperature (“unwrap” him, or wrap him more snugly); change his nappy. He might want to sleep but can’t because of light, noise or activity; take him somewhere calm.
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Holding a baby is crucial in terms of your developing attachment and bond, so don’t be afraid to hold or rock him; use a sling sometimes so that he can be near you and you can get on with things. Some babies stop crying at the sound of singing or the noise of a washing machine or vacuum cleaner. Try baby massage or tummy rubbing if you suspect colic. Some parents find cranial osteopathy (the laying- on of hands to restore a balance to the structures of the skeleton) helpful (General Osteopathic Council, 020-7357 6655). An ill child usually cries in a more urgent way; if you have concerns, call your GP, health visitor or NHS Direct (0845 4647). You could also speak to a breastfeeding counsellor (Association of Breastfeeding Mothers, 0870 4017711). If the crying has gone on for so long that you are starting to lose it , try a dummy.
There may be times when nothing works; then you must focus on dealing with your own response to the crying. If your baby is fed, changed and safe, leave the room for short periods to get away from the noise: you will not damage him psychologically by doing so. Play music, focus on your daughter, call a friend. Speak to a health visitor about local support groups or call Cry-sis to talk to someone who has also had an excessively crying baby and can offer reassurance (08451 228669, seven days a week, 9am to 10pm).
You describe feeling low — I’m not suggesting that you have postnatal depression, but some readers in your situation might. PND affects one mother in ten and usually emerges within the first year after birth (often when the baby is aged 4 to 6 months). The common signs are hopelessness, feeling helpless, extreme tiredness and lack of motivation, feelings of guilt and inadequacy ( particularly about not loving the baby, or being a “good enough” mother), irritability, problems with appetite, sleeping and sex drive, feeling anxious and possibly experiencing panic attacks, problems with concentration,and even thoughts about death. PND which is treatable, has many causes, including a lack of support, the shock of birth and motherhood. Treatment includes counselling, psychotherapy, prescription medications and complementary therapies. Contact MIND (0845 7660163) or the Association for Post-Natal Illness (020-7386 0868; www.apni.org), which offers support via e-mail, telephone or post at no charge. Finally remember that this behaviour will pass. My boy, now 7, is the most chilled-out little dude and sleeps like Rip Van Winkle!
We have a daughter, 4½, and twin sons, 1. Our daughter is amazingly fond of her brothers and they of her. She accepted them from Day 1 and has never been aggressive towards them. But she regresses when she is with them: she becomes over-excited and babyish and manhandles them, lifting and dragging them despite their annoyance or distress. She also snatches their toys. We have tried taking her out of the situation when possible, telling her why her behaviour is unacceptable and how it distresses the boys. She always agrees not to do it again, but does.
Jackie, 34
Your daughter is behaving this way because she gets all the attention she wants when she does. I suspect you feel sorry for her because these brothers have stolen her thunder and fear that her behaviour is a manifestation of her emotional response to this. Yes, her brothers’ arrival will have been difficult for her, but after a year — and at her age — she should be behaving less aggressively around them. It is time for tougher measures. Until you take a strong, consistent stance when she behaves in an attention-seeking and aggressive manner, she will develop into an unpopular child because she always gets her own way.
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If she is aggressive, put her straight in her room with no conversation for four minutes (one minute for each year of her life) — this is “time out”. Afterwards tell her that the next time she behaves like that she will go to her room again. If she tries to get out of the room, tell her you are holding the door,then do so while ignoring her cries. If she is being defiant or not sharing toys, ask her twice to change her behaviour (once nicely, then firmly) and if she doesn’t, put her in time out. Then praise her for lovely behaviour shown when with her brothers or at other times. And give her random cuddles throughout the day just for being lovely.
I think she is a child from a loving home whose parents are bending over backwards to make her feel emotionally settled after the birth of her brothers. To mix in a little tougher discipline will only benefit her in the long run.
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