How to retire
As I am in charge of a large office, I am often expected to write brief pieces for our company magazine about staff who are going off for new jobs, maternity leave and so on. Quite frankly, they’re all a bunch of no-hopers and it’s utterly tiresome to dredge up dreary platitudes for these deadweights: once they’re gone, they’re gone. However, with one eye on my impending retirement, I am concerned that none of the feeble lot who remain will give me the departing eulogy I deserve. Should I write my own to ensure I have something memorable to look back on? I don’t want to appear arrogant, but obviously in my position it has to be right.
HL, by email
No one really reads company magazines. They have all the editorial integrity of Pravda in the Soviet period, but you could take advantage of this: write your own eulogy and take the opportunity to say what you really thought of your workshy, braindead colleagues over the years. I bet, for once, it would be a company magazine that was actually read.
Awkward wedding guest
We have just sent out the invitations for our daughter’s wedding and immediately her best friend is complaining that her boyfriend hasn’t been invited. The fact is, she has only been seeing this young man for a month and, given her track record, it is quite likely that she will have dumped him and moved on to another by the time of the wedding. We are not obliged to cater for the here-today-gone-tomorrow paramours of the youth, are we?
RD, Birmingham
Your daughter should explain to this young lady that the reception will be chock-full of gorgeous young men, and she wouldn’t want to compromise her chances by turning up with a man already in tow. It will be too late when she discovers this is not actually the case, and it might mean that some ramshackle uncle finds he has a much better time than he was expecting.
Opening the third eye
I love my yoga class, but I find that, as it goes on and my body gets more relaxed and loose, I am overwhelmed by the need to break wind. Obviously I find this hideously embarrassing: is there anything I can do?
JD, by email
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Keep it quiet (easier when your body is relaxed) and glare accusingly at your neighbour.
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