My ex-boyfriend and I still see each other regularly and it is always wonderful. We split up a year ago and neither of us has met anyone serious yet. He was a tricky boyfriend with lots of “issues”, but he is calmer now and, without intending to, I seem to have fallen in love with him again. But I don’t know what to do. I feel loved by him and know that he has never had a more important relationship than with me. But he has always had problems with the word “love” and has unrealistic expectations of what it should be. Should I cut my losses — I’ve probably wasted enough time on him — or tell him how I feel?
With masses of self-appraisal, huge amounts of willingness, tons of determination, enough patience (and a blue moon doesn’t hurt), people have been known to change, and occasionally for the better. You don’t tell me your ex-boyfriend’s age; the younger he is, the more likely that his “issues”, or some of them, have grown less, changed, or disappeared in your year apart. Older issues, on the other hand, tend with time to intensify.
What about you? Have you changed since you two broke up? A relationship between lovers is not unlike a blend of chemicals, acting and reacting to each other to create a union that, though composed of them both, is neither. You say that he is “calmer”, which supports my suspicion that your mutual chemistry combusts, sometimes in distressing ways. One foolproof tactic for changing a partner’s behaviour is to change the way you react to it, and that entails changing your own mind and expectations of yourself, of him, of love itself. Otherwise, if you are relying on him to have done all the changing during your separation while your mind remains fixed, chances are, should you resume your affair, it will soon be as fraught, and in the same ways, as it used to be.
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And what were those upsetting ways, I wonder? Your use of the word “tricky” makes me think that he was moody, perhaps flirtatious, unreliable, and not as considerate of your feelings as you wished.
As for his having “problems with the word love”, any adult who has not yet struggled with that overloaded four-letter word still has a lot to learn. He is not alone in his confusion. Listen to yourself! First you “seem” to have fallen in love again, then you wonder if you should “cut your losses” as you suspect that you may have “wasted enough time”. Can one “waste time” on love? Time spent loving, even if it ends in disappointment, can’t be “a loss”. Painful though its end can be, love leaves its imprint for ever on the minds and hearts of the two who created its unique chemistry.
When you refer to his “unrealistic” expectations, you mean that he seems to expect something different from love than you, perhaps too much singing and fireworks, not enough everyday sustenance? If your own “realistic” expectation is for love to end in commitment and he did not come through last time, chances are that he won’t this time either, not until you let the man know what you want, and find out if he is prepared at least to try to want the same thing. Before you throw in the towel, by all means tell him how you feel and what you want; more important, make sure that he tells you, too, what he feels and wants; and most important, listen to him.
Only then can you accept, reject, or adapt to his hope of love. If he admits that he does not know what he wants, well, neither do you; right? Or you wouldn’t be asking. So in that case, consider yourself free to look for a partner who is sure enough of his feelings to make you sure of yours, too.
OVER TO YOU
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Are you finding it hard to deal with a big change in your life? E-mail Irma Kurtz at body&soul@thetimes.co.uk, or write to her at Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. She regrets that she cannot answer questions individually.