We are both in our mid-fifties with a strong marriage and sexual life. My husband has now decided to take a young boyfriend (25) and I am happy to go along with this and have met him. My husband certainly appears to be bisexual rather than gay (if we need to have labels, which don’t always work) and all three of us seem to be managing the various aspects of the relationship.
It is not, however, a ménage à trois. Because I have asked my husband to be honest with me, I know what is going on and do not waste time worrying and being anxious. The reason I am writing to you is really to confirm that I am doing the right thing. What are your views?
That you ask for confirmation suggests a degree of anxiety, perhaps greater than you care to admit to yourself and certainly to your husband. Your acceptance of his liaison appears to be exemplary in a sophisticated, continental, paradoxically old-fashioned sort of way. Nevertheless, I can imagine questions that must lurk in the back of your mind and cause more worry than you admit.
For example, the object of your husband’s desire is a man, but does that make his extramarital affair somehow more acceptable than a run-of-the-mill infidelity? And if you believe deep down that sleeping with his own sex is fair enough, would you feel the same if he brought his 25-year-old mistress home to meet you? If not, are you being discriminatory in considering homosexual love as a lesser involvement of body and soul?
There must be times, too, when you can’t stop wondering how often in the sexual life you shared — and presumably still do — that your husband while embracing you has been occupied elsewhere in his imagination? Sure, fantasy betrayals are common to all lovers, male and female; is it less hurtful, or more, when the orientation is in altogether another direction?
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Finally, now that he has “decided” to take a male lover, as you put it, suggesting that he has made a choice, does that mean that a torch is being shone on your past together, revealing what you have not recognised before — that he is bisexual; some would call him gay? I agree that labels are not always accurate; they do, however, stick.
Which brings us to the next issue that undoubtedly concerns you on a level, confessed or not. You do not say if you two have children. If you do, are you going to talk to them about it? Is your husband? You have been together for some time and must have established mutual friends, work colleagues and neighbours.
You are clearly an upfront woman striving for tolerance and truth; are you prepared for the critical and even hostile reaction of others when they get wind of your unconventional arrangement? Because they will in due course, especially since you, I dare say, abhor secrecy as suggesting a reason for shame. You have no reason to feel shame; nor does your husband. On the contrary, you are behaving with almost preternatural dignity and equanimity.
Things are fine right now and that must mean that for the moment you are doing the right thing. However, should you need someone to talk to for all the above reasons, and others known only to your deepest self, please keep the number for Pace to hand (020-7700 1323; www.pacehealth.org.uk). It is a knowledgeable group offering workshops and counselling to gay and bisexual men, and to their families.
OVER TO YOU
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Are you finding it hard to deal with a big change in your life? E-mail Irma Kurtz at body&soul@thetimes.co.uk, or write to her at Body&Soul, The Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. She regrets that she cannot answer questions individually.