Oh come on, England. It’s not that bad. Although admittedly you’re not looking your best.
The only person you’ve got to cheer for at Wimbledon is Andy Murray, and he may as well have the words “NOT ENGLISH” tattooed on his bum, which he’ll wave in your faces like Mel Gibson did to the English in Braveheart. You’re probably about to be knocked out of the World Cup, and so far your performance hasn’t been up to much. You conceded a goal to America. To a man called “Clint”, for God’s sake. That’s got to hurt. No wonder that portly bloke who invaded the changing rooms wanted to give David Beckham a piece of his mind. Shame he got on global TV afterwards, really. Sitting there saying “myself” all the time, instead of “me”. People looked at him, England, and thought he was you. Not a good look.
Then there’s the oil stuff. You’re getting blamed for that, too. True, BP hasn’t stood for anything for years, and even when it did the B meant “British”, which isn’t the same as “English”, but you’ve never quite understood the difference so no wonder America doesn’t, either. America thinks you’re killing its pelicans, England. Clint did it for them.
And the Budget. Oh dear. It’s a bit early yet to understand what any of that meant, but it wasn’t good. Chances are, George Osborne will want at least one of your children. Maybe your dog and your pension, too. It’s all too easy just to slump your shoulders, pull up the covers and spend the day in bed, wishing you lived somewhere with a bit more going for it. Maybe North Korea.
But buck up, England. Your country actually has quite a lot going for it. I certainly wouldn’t live anywhere else. The sun could come back any day, and summer has just begun. Maybe you won’t be knocked out of the World Cup. Maybe someone English will be able to play tennis again one day. Maybe George Osborne won’t take your house.
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Assembled on these pages, a glorious panel of experts tell England how to pull herself together. Because that’s the great thing about you lot; the easy switch between despair and hope. England doesn’t just love a good moan, it knows how to sing when it’s winning. Dunkirk spirit’s what you need. Just try to forget that it’s a place in France, with a name that sounds decidedly Scottish.