The wife of an old friend distresses us on social occasions by directing nasty remarks at her husband, drawing attention to his weight problem and his faults in general, and by bringing up old resentments. We have remonstrated, quite strongly on occasion, saying: “Loyalty! Loyalty!” To which she replies: “I have none.” Although the couple are now in their eighties, she has behaved like this for years. So it is not an age-related problem. To make a big issue of it may break our friendship with her long-suffering husband. What to do and say?
P. D., Bournemouth
Come not between the Dragon and her wrath. It sounds as though you have done as much as a good friend can or should do. Married couples are strange cattle. For even good friends to interfere in their modus matrimonii, however odd or unsatisfactory it seems to us, is presumptuous, impertinent, and probably counter-productive. It sounds as though the husband needs all the friends he can get. So may the wife. Carry on doing and saying the things you would do as generous and loving old friends, and pay absolutely no attention to the virago’s railings.
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When is it appropriate to wear a striped tie? I have heard that these should be worn only with a blazer and not a suit. Is this correct?
John Keightley,
St John’s College, Durham
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To wear a significant striped tie, running up the old gold and magenta flag that one belongs to some club, regiment or old boys’ association, used to be a distinguished and status-conferring symbol. The first act on leaving school was to buy the Old Custard’s tie. Such meaningful striped ties are less popular these days. Class swanking is vulgar. I can see that one might wear a striped club tie with a blazer, if one were in the company of others similarly dressed — the Old Custard’s Rowing Club or the XVIth Haberdashers. But it is mere snobbery to rule that one can wear such a tie only with a blazer. Wear your club tie with pride, with suit or blazer, so long as you are aware of what you are doing.
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Bullshine, as we used to say in the Merchant Service, to your “genteel”, rules for holding eating-irons (Modern Times, May 22). The fork, used for thrusting, should be so handled. The knife, used for slashing, should be held as the anatomist holds the scalpel, and to hell with gentility. One exception: when eating peas, the knife should be held in the fist keeping the blade in the level plane, otherwise the peas will roll off. In Britain, diners keep their hands under the table between courses so as to give the servants scope for lifting and laying the plates. In France, diners keep their hands on the table as French ladies do not trust French gentlemen with their hands under it.
Albert M. Gibb, Glasgow
Autres gens, autre forking etiket. These conventions vary widely between races, ages, classes and even households. The only convention that matters a pea is to convey food to mouth neatly and without causing offence or hilarity. I eat my peas with honey,/I’ve done so all my life./They taste a little funny,/But it keeps them on my knife.
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When is it correct to say that a person is “reading” a subject at university? I have always thought it was only in respect of certain subjects at Oxbridge, but one now hears of students reading all sorts of subjects at any university.
Name and address withheld
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I have never heard of confining “read” to undergraduates studying certain schools at Oxbridge. And I can find no evidence for it. The first example of the idiom that I have found comes from The Times as recently as 1955: “Agriculture is no longer a subject to be ashamed of. It produces no inferiority complex in those who read it.”
But cf the older sense of “read” — to occupy oneself seriously with reading, especially with a view to examination. To study. 1823: “I trust that Edward may obtain the gold medal which he is reading for.”
Tennyson,“The Princess”, 1847: “We seven stay’d at Christmas up to read.”
Are English people still very conservative?
Casey Mao, Xi’an, China
The English are the most mixed race on Earth because of our extraordinary mixed ancestry. British, Roman, Anglo-Saxon, Norman, French, Jewish, Huguenot, Indian, Chinese, West Indian. What can you say about such a mixture? The English are very conservative, radical, conventional, poetic, reserved, exhibitionist, sensitive, pig-headed. We like to think that we are liberal, generous, tolerant and have a good sense of humour. Others have said that we are drunken, foul-mouthed, stupid and simple-minded. It is safer to take us one by one.