I live in a small block of (six) flats. The entrance hall and stairs are due for redecoration. At present they are painted and papered in a dreary mixture of greens, chosen by the landlord’s wife, I understand. I should like to have something more cheerful this time. But I do not want to appear bossy. How can I arrange this without upsetting my neighbours or our landlord?
M.G., London W11
With tact, generosity and goodwill. Nothing can cause more uproar and ill will than arguments among tenants over the decoration of their common parts. Experto crede. The landlord will be only too pleased (probably) to have these momentous decisions taken off his (or his wife’s) hands. He will want the redecoration kept within budget. And so will your neighbours.
You sound officer-like material. I should have the neighbours in for a redecoration meeting, possibly over tea or a glass of wine. Have some suggestions and samples to show them. Be prepared for dogmatic opinions, obstruction and unneighbourliness. The common parts concern all of you. It would be a miracle if all your neighbours share your opinions about interior decoration, or anything else. So you have to listen to them, shepherd them in the direction you want them to go, like a good sheep dog, and arrive at the highest common factor as well as the lowest common denominator, and be prepared not to get your own way in everything.
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My husband has an embarrassing habit of talking in pidgin English whenever he meets anyone from overseas. I don’t think he knows he’s doing it but all the rest of the family cringe, and the children have started refusing to go to Italian restaurants. We frequently have overseas visitors, and although I think he means well, they must all think he is mad. How can we stop this habit?
Name and address withheld
I should tell him, gently, that most foreigners speak far better English than the Brits speak any foreign language. You might mock him by addressing him in exaggerated pidgin English. But that depends a bit on how he would take such mockery.
My father-in-law, Reggie, had exactly the same habit of addressing all foreigners or presumed foreigners in Pidgin IdiotSpeak. I never plucked up the courage to explain to him. And he might not have listened anyway. But it would be a kindness at least to explain the modern world to your husband. Perhaps an older child should be the messenger. But if he pays no attention, you will have to let the old fool burble on.
How can we convey to our absolutely delightful au pair that her body odour is a problem? She is otherwise tidy, helpful and everything we could want, but for this one thing. I don’t want to upset her, but it is hard to ignore.
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Name and address withheld
I suppose you could drop heavy hints by giving her deodorants. But you are in loco parentis to your au pair. What would you do if you had a teenage daughter with the same problem? It can, of course, be a medical condition. And other cultures have other attitudes to body pong. The Japanese find it repulsive to travel in the crowded Underground or lifts, because of the body smell of the Western commuters, which we hardly notice.
I think that you would have a gentle heart-to-heart with your daughter, and offer to help her. I should treat your au pair in the same way.
My husband and I visit Britain two or three times a year and are fortunate to have made friends in our travels, and in turn, to have been invited to functions from weddings to birthday parties. Please explain the difference between “smart”, “smart casual” and“formal” attire. Applying the US definitions, we have been either under or overdressed on a few occasions, and we would like to get it right.
Karen Davis, Virginia
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Cripes. These distinctions of dress codes have an infinite variety that confuses even natives, to the vestimentary mannerism born. But, in general, and speaking roughly, weddings specify Morning Dress (tail coats, peculiar to the British), but dark suit and tie for gents usually acceptable, and evening parties Black Tie (tuxedo) for gents. Bling, Dress to Kill, for ladies. Smart Casual suggests Coat (not Jacket, which is Common unless it is a Norfolk or Dinner Jacket) and tie, and polished shoes, not trainers, for chaps. Possibly a cravat or open-neck will pass, and jeans for the younger male, if clean (both jeans and young male). And Dress to Kill, bling-bling, but with a mild disorder such as a Hermès scarf, in the dress, for ladies.
“Formal” is a very unhelpful invitation, and bad form. It should specify: “Black Tie” or “Morning Dress”.
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TALKING POINT
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Philip Howard answers your etiquette questions online at noon on Monday