My wife’s daughter, aged 22, has just finished university having completed an arts degree specialising in costume and theatre set design. She has now a year as the president of the university. When asked what she intends to do after this she replies with some very unrealistic answers, the likes of which you would expect of a 12-year-old. I find it very embarrassing. She has said: “I want to produce a film with Robbie Williams,” “I’m thinking of becoming a television presenter,” and the most embarrassing: “I’m going to be Kylie Minogue.” It is not said in jest but in all seriousness. I am not sure how long I can keep my mouth shut — so far I’ve been stunned into silence by the stupidity of it all. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Name and address withheld
I really wouldn’t break up your stepdaughter’s Wanda Mitty fantasies. My young niece Julie has similar, equally fantastic star-struck dreams of showbiz celebrity. I used to dream of writing like Shakespeare and captaining England at rugby. Life teaches us how to cope with our petty disappointments as well as triumphs. Stepdaughter’s year as president (presumably of the students’ union?) may bring her down to earth. Let her birth mother talk to her about her career. As stepfather you should be a loving friend, not a cynical ogre. Tread softly, for you tread on her dreams.
My neighbour has dogs (quite big dogs) that seem to spend most of their time indoors. I like dogs and I would like to take them for an occasional walk. But would any approach look like criticism?
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Barney Mills, North London
It should be possible to offer to take your neighbour’s dogs for a walk without it looking like you are criticising his lack of care for the woofers. But you are quite right; urban and suburban dog owners can be fiercely resentful of even a shadow of criticism that they are not perfect dog-owners. In fact, contrary to folklore, statistics show that the English are careless and often cruel dog-owners. But if you make your offer to walk his dogs lightly and generously, all that he can do is refuse. Unless there is active cruelty (in which case it is a matter for the RSPCA and the police), our neighbour’s dogs are not really our concern. Dogs acclimatise themselves to boredom as well as we do.
I had an argument on a packed Tube train the other day with a gentleman who insisted on reading his Financial Times even though it was brushing my face every time he turned a page and I felt he was invading my personal space. I told him that he should wait until he left the train before reading his paper. Was he being rude or was I?
Patricia Griffin, Wokingham
It sounds as though he was. We must protect the second row of the scrum that passes for personal space in commuter travel. People are inconsiderate with their papers in the cattle-truck conditions of commuter trains. This is one advantage of the smaller tabloid-size Times, though I can get indignant looks from women either side of me because of the frequency with which I have to turn the pages. If somebody behaves selfishly, it is a public good to educate them, though I am not sure that I would have been brave enough to expostulate with your gent.
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Nowadays most newspapers have hidden among their leaves one or more loose advertisements — usually for computers, shirts or something else that I already have a plethora of. These invariably fall out when one picks up the paper in the newsagent. As someone who tries not to leave litter I feel obliged to pick up this rubbish. However this does irritate me as I then have to find a bin to dump it in. Can I leave it for the newsagent to pick up?
Graham Lloyd, Henley-on-Thames
I have the same problem. I am large and clumsy. I suppose that we could just leave the paper spam lying there for the newsagent to pick up. But that would be high-handed, haughty and rude. I stoop to pick up my rubbish.
We must try not to be irritated by trivialities. Life is hard enough already. I too have as many shirts and computers as I can cope with. But all that free bumf is, after all, free. It is made from recycled paper, and without it our newspapers would be much more expensive. Write it down as a little and laughable irritation. And smile with our newsagents.
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Philip Howard answers your etiquette questions online at noon on Monday