I have been invited to a formal lunch with Elizabeth Windsor. I would like to attend for the spectacle but I am a republican. I have respect for her personally but not for her position which I refuse to recognise by standing or toasting.
How do I remain respectful while not betraying my political ideas?
Charles Fox, Oxford
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It would be rude, crude, lewd and vulgar to make a public demonstration of your republicanism at the table of Her Maj. Cui bono? I suppose that it might make you feel brave to cry “Death to tyrants” like your namesake Charles James, or to remain seated during the loyal toast. But you should either refuse the invitation politely, in order to gratify your beliefs, or behave like a civilised human being to your hostess. Good manners take precedence over ideology. Go along with the rum rituals like a Washington, not a Robespierre.
When meeting someone in South America you give one kiss, in some parts of Europe you give two and in some Arabic countries you can give three. How to behave in a multicultural meeting? And can I avoid social kissing altogether without being rude? I find handshakes more friendly and elegant.
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Lucy Dagher,
Caracas, Venezuela
As the female of the encounter, you should be in the driving seat. I can’t speak for Caracas, but in England the woman should lead, putting forward her right hand with a smile if she does not wish to be bussed. Many don’t. She also directs which cheek to start with. Protestants favour the right cheek, Roman Catholics the left, in my experience. The mwah-mwah virtual kissing noise is optional, and just a touch suburban, don’t you think?
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I have been invited to a summer garden party. The invite doesn’t specify black tie, but it is at a rather grand location with a marquee in the garden and croquet etc. What should I wear, bearing in mind the unreliable English weather?
David Irvine, Epsom
This sounds an occasion for the problematic old school or regimental blazer, if you possess one. There are not many occasions for flaunting such gaudy togs. Jolly tie or cravat to shelter the Adam’s apple. White flannels, grey bags or spongebag trousers. To climb into a black tie and DJ when it isn’t specified runs the risk of appearing overdressed. But no doubt those who like to parade will do so. Keep sweaters and gumboots in reserve in the boot of the car.
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Is it always bad manners to raise your voice, or are there situations when shouting at someone can be justified?
Lucy Maynard, York
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To shout is usually a sign that you are losing the argument and your temper, as well as control of the situation. There may be occasions when something so outrageous happens that we react with righteous indignation: “Stand in the trench, Achilles, flame-capped, and shout for me.” But shouting is usually for the Bandar-Log.
What are the rules for sharing armrests? I got on to the commuter train first and took the window seat. I put my arm on the rest, but a later arrival pushed it off with his own. I felt that I had a right to it as I was there before him. I am a teacher. I was exhausted. But I am too small to put up a fight. What should I have done?
AnonyMiss, Chelmsford
Like rats in a box, commuters crammed into our disgraceful trains behave badly. We must set them an example. As Sam Johnson observed: “What remains but to acquiesce with silence, as in the other insurmountable distresses of humanity?” Or KBO (Keep Buggering On), as Churchill used to scribble in the margins of state papers.
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TALKING POINT www.timesonline.co.uk/talkingpoint Philip Howard answers your etiquette questions online at noon on Monday