My parents were invited to a wedding, and the bride’s parents insisted that my sister and I come too. To my surprise they put me on the teenagers’ table even though I am 29. I almost burst into tears. I still don’t understand. I ask myself if I should have left the wedding, instead of staying for my parents’ sake.
Name and address withheld
I think that you overreact. As a young man (woman?) you are sensitive about your status. A bit like Pip in Great Expectations. Instead of feeling humiliated, or bursting into tears, the grown-up would be the life and soul of the teenagers’ table, the wit and mentor; the sage and ringmaster. Weddings are fraught occasions. Getting the placement right is one of the minor problems, and somebody is always going to feel miffed.
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I am as polite as the next man. But what should I do when I encounter a revolving door? Should I let the other person go first and exert their energy getting the blessed thing moving, push in, or give it a good push and then watch the fun?
Roger Marsh, Fareham, Hants
This is a Catch-22 of revolving etiket. You must play it by ear, on the cusp. When I arrive at the same time as large, decisive persons, I tend to bow and let them push ahead. For fragile, indecisive people, I explain what I am doing, and go ahead, acting as their ice-breaker and fugleman.
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What is the correct response to a deliberate snub by a colleague at work?
Michael Attfield, Chester
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What a deputy prime minister (no, not John Prescott) described as “total ignoral”. We do not know what private demons drive your colleague.
An office is like a racing eight. A good team player pulls his weight with a will, and does not let crabs in other parts of the boat put him off his stroke. Not noticing a deliberate snub is a far more irritating reaction than a protest or a snub in return.
Good friends have invited me to be the godfather of their daughter. I already have eight godchildren. I am not keen to take on any more. How can I get out of this politely?
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A. J. R., Southampton
You are a good and generous friend. I, too, find it impossible to keep up properly with my godchildren. Taken seriously, this is a heavy responsibility. I should explain that you will try to be always a friend and role model to their daughter, but that you cannot take on any more godchildren and keep the serious promises that the duty involves. This may sound a bit old-fashioned to them. But they should respect you for your honesty.
We are inviting some friends round for a drinks party but wish to make it clear that there will be no food (apart from nibbles). How do we say this on the invites?
Peter S., Nottingham
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Presumably your invitation card announces “drinks”. If you serve generous canapés, and not just Marmite on matchsticks, they are not going to go hungry. If your friends have any nous about such social events, the time of your invitation will hint that they are not coming for the full soup, fish and boeuf en croûte au grand duc.
Is it ever OK to tuck one’s tie into one’s trousers?
A. G. Pelling, Cambridge
Jeeves would frown on tie-tucking. When engaged in mildly energetic activities one might tuck one’s tie into one’s trousers, though I would prefer just to remove it.
How does one address an envelope to a male friend and his female partner when one may or may not know the partner’s surname?
Dan Burton, Alton, Hants
Modern casual: “Dwain and Bettany”. Old-fashioned formal: “Bill Brigstock Esq and Ms Emily Whatsername”. (Sorry but we must use the surnames of anyone we intend to communicate with by letter.) Casual, but wounding: “Arthur Britten and Juliet”.
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Philip Howard answers your etiquette questions online at noon on Monday