How would you deal with a highly irascible and territorially challenged neighbour who is in the habit of dumping his garden waste along the public footpath running between our two houses?
Name and address withheld
With extreme caution and sweet humour. I doubt whether I should try to “deal with” him. That might only provoke the brute. Would confronting him shock him into better behaviour? I doubt it. I should sigh and take a little trouble to clear up his mess. Does this sound saintly or wimpish?
Please comment on the usage: “Man or lady.” Why not: “Man or woman”? Or “Gentleman or Lady”?
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Elsa Yates, Broxburn
Why not, indeed? Both lady and gentleman are threatened species in our obsessively egalitarian age. When would anybody of any sensitivity use the prefix “Lady”, except when referring to somebody ennobled by birth or peerages for purchase? Only when referring to somebody whom the Victorians would have considered not a lady at all. As in “cleaning lady”. I agree that we should share the sauce for the gander and the goose equally. “Men and women” or “Ladies and gents”. I think that the latter has period charm.
Is it acceptable to greet people with a “how are you?”? In California (my home) it’s considered friendly, but in London many people react with snooty derision or cold, dead-mullet stares. Should I be less friendly in my greetings?
Bruce Fleckberg, London
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No. I don’t think so. Americans tend to be warmer than shy or snooty Brits. This is a virtue, for which we love Americans. Carry on being friendly with your greetings, even if you meet a frosty reception from pompous co-workers. Do not copy them by becoming snooty yourself. They may just be shy, the excuse of the surly down the ages. Be yourself. Be warm. Be American.
Two friends of mine announced their engagement a few months ago and sent out invitations for a wedding in May, to which many people have already responded. They have now, sadly, decided to end their relationship in an amicable fashion. One of the friends has sought my views as to whether they should send a simple, dignified note to all invitation recipients, thanking them for their interest but advising that, unfortunately, the wedding will not be proceeding. What are your views?
Mike Allison, Sydney, Australia
I think your friend has hit on an excellent wheeze. It gives them a chance to give a polite explanation for the cancellation. Mind you: this should be short. We do not want a dissertation on the reasons for the break-up. Brevity is the soul of wedding cancellations.
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Are there any etiquette schools in the UK that I can send my husband to? He was not brought up with proper table manners etc., and if I am bothered by it, I assume that his professional colleagues may be as well. I know, I know. You can lead a horse to water but . . .
Name and address withheld
There are such schools for “polite” behaviour — you can find them on the Internet. But I doubt that they are worth a single mushy pea. You don’t really want him to be starched and stitched up by some ghastly Skool of Etiket. The only table manners that matter are modesty and tidiness. How you hold your fork doesn’t matter, except for snobs who think that their way must be correct. Encourage him lovingly to eat tidily, not woolfishly.
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READERS REPLY
Trevor Hughes of London asks whether it is rude to ask anybody what they do for a living just after meeting them.
It is brash to ask straightaway what a person does for a living. Much more interesting by indirections to find directions out. In any case, most self-satisfied bores will inform you what they do and how important they are without being asked. PH
Elizabeth Ambler, Exeter: “What makes us possibly interesting people to get to know is what we do from five to nine.” R.V. Taylor, Abingdon: “It is very rude. But there is a suitable response: I have my own business, and I mind it.”
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Peter Sackett, Hereford: “Asked by people I have only just met, I usually say that I clean out cesspits.”
Peter Rushforth, Cullingworth, West Yorkshire: “Never ask a man where he comes from. If he comes from Yorkshire he will already have told you. If he doesn’t — well, you don’t want to embarrass him, do you?”
Readers are invited to send their responses to this week’s question by February 10. A selection will be printed in a fortnight.
How long is appropriate for small talk before one offers drinks to guests invited for a meal?
PK Rau, Abu Dhabi
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