For the funeral of a dear friend, the family requested that donations be made to two organisations — to both of which I am opposed. Cheques are being sent via the home, so if I “forget” to send, or choose an alternative charity, this will be noticed and might upset the family. Am I behaving morally or selfishly?
Funnily enough, this Christmas I decided to ask people what they wanted as presents, so as to avoid my handing them gifts which they would open on Christmas morning with a festive cry of, “I can’t believe that anyone would actually pay money for this!” And do you know what? Their taste turned out to be a big letdown. A nephew asked for a James Blunt album. Oh my! So I gave him a Bob Dylan Greatest Hits CD instead. A niece who requested an Avril Lavigne CD got a great Ella Fitzgerald collection of Cole Porter songs. My mother wanted a blue cardigan, but I thought that brown would suit her better. A vegetarian friend who said she had too many possessions asked me for an edible gift, so long as it wasn’t meat! I told her she didn’t realise what she was missing and sent her a whole prosciutto. Hey, did I do wrong?
The cheque for charity is for your friend, not for you. How ugly could the chosen causes be for you to feel queasy at contributing? A neo-Nazi group? A racist organisation? If the deceased sympathised with such causes, how did he or she become such a dear friend in the first place? Flowers, or a charitable donation, are a way of marking your love and respect for the dead person. That includes respecting their wishes.
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Faced with a choice between abandoning a friend or your principles, you should ideally have the moral courage not to abandon a friend.
FACING A DILEMMA
Have you got a dilemma of your own?
Write to Modern Morals, Times features, 1 Pennington Street, London, E98 1TT. E-mail: modernmorals@thetimes.co.uk