I am an expat from Europe and have lived in the UK for several years. However, the British dress codes never fail to puzzle me. For example, what would be acceptable dress for a foreign visitor lucky enough to secure a seat at the Last Night of the Proms? Should he or she go the black tie route or rather choose the more unobtrusive lounge suit version, or be very daring and come in national dress? Name and address withheld
The Last Night of the Proms is a peculiarly English occasion. The Proms are a magnificent, populist musical tradition, bringing the best music by the best players to the man and woman in the Tube at cheap prices. The Last Night is something else. It is a platform for rowdies and exhibitionists, more than music-lovers. I am not sure that there is a binational costume for expats. Do not paint your face with a cross of St George, unless you absolutely must. I have seen national costumes from other countries at this eccentric but (to some, not me) endearing occasion. Black tie is OTT, unless you have been invited to the Director General of the BBC’s personal box. If you are down on the floor, any kit goes. Comfort rather than ostentation rules, I should say. National costume perfectly OK, if you want people to look at you, and can be bothered. But the true heart of the Proms is one of the concerts leading up to the Last Night. That is what has been delighting us over the radio, even though we are exiled from the Albert Hall on summer sand, bucket-and-spading.
When wording an invitation to a wedding is it correct to include the status of the young couple being married? Does one put, “Mr & Mrs A Smith invite ... to the marriage of their daughter Miss Angela Smith to Mr John Brown”; or, “Mr & Mrs A Smith invite ... to the marriage of their daughter Angela to John Brown.” I think the correct form is to use the name only, but can you confirm this is so? Name and address withheld
The wedding invitation belongs to those who are giving the wedding, and to nobody else. There are no rules of etiquette or protocol that tell you what you must do. But names only, rather than handles, for those getting married looks better and more conventional to me. I think that ” ... the marriage of their daughter Miss Angela Smith to Mr John Brown ... ” looks odd and pompous. A bit unfriendly. (It might also cost fractionally more from the printer.) I suppose that if one of the marrying couple has a professional handle, you could bung it in. ” ... their daughter Professor Angela Smith to Dr John Brown ... ” But I shouldn’t. Such professional titles are irrelevant on this happy occasion. To include them looks like swanking. On wedding invitations, “titula non sunt multiplicanda” - the fewer titles and prefixes the better. Plain names are best, and most affectionate.
We have decided on a black tie wedding for our forthcoming nuptials. A very close relative has stated that he is not going to wear a jacket and will just wear a shirt with a bow tie and trousers. How should we handle this, bearing in mind that he will be on a lot of the family photos? Kay Johnson, Lymm, Cheshire
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With equanimity. With humour. Let the close relative dress as he wishes. This is a wedding, not a fashion parade. You cannot control the dress of your guests, even for such momentous events as the wedding snaps. The thing that matters is the marriage and the tribal reunion for your rite of passage. Your close relatives are turning out in an act of family solidarity, to launch you on the grand voyage of matrimony. They would be polite to conform to your invitation in their dress. But not everyone, not even a close relative, is polite. Dress codes are greatly relaxed in our age of self-expression and autonomy. It sounds to me as though the close relative is teasing you. Or trying to annoy you. Or explaining that he is hard up, and does not want to hire a dinner jacket. Do not let him vex you. What he wears is a triviality, unless, of course, he turns out naked or in some wildly inappropriate costume. Shirt with bow tie and trousers sounds harmless to me. Give him a place of honour at your right hand. It will give you something to smile about in future years, over the dull formality of wedding snaps. Have a happy wedding and a long and successful marriage.
My flatmate’s boyfriend has exceedingly bad (ahem) aim. She insists it is bad manners to ask a guest to do housework. I’m getting rather tired of having to wipe up after him. Would it be horribly rude for me to point out to him where we keep the sponges and things? Name and address withheld
Not horribly rude. Boys are often badly lavatory-trained. They often need teaching. And there is no reason why you should clean the lavatory pan after him. You sound a good flatmate. But it would be better and more diplomatic for your flatmate to train her boyfriend. You might humiliate him by bringing up this rather personal subject. A friendly atmosphere and a happy flatmate are worth quite a lot of domestic inconvenience. As with many of these questions, there is no simple answer. It all depends on the personal chemistry between those involved. I can imagine boyfriends of flatmates whose lavatory manners one could try to improve, either humorously or seriously. But I can imagine others who would be humiliated, or embarrassed or annoyed to be reproached. You could try leaving brushes and lavatory cleanser prominently on top of the lav. But in the circs as far as I can imagine them, I should encourage flatmate to take up the sponges, and tell her boyfriend what his best friends have never told him.
I live in a small apartment building where one of the neighbours has the same last name as me. Although our first names are clearly marked on our mailboxes, we frequently find our post mixed. Recently my neighbour found in her mailbox an envelope addressed to me, clearly labelled as confidential, which contained my salary details. She later put it at my door (opened!) with a note saying that she had mistaken my name with her ex-husband’s because she was not wearing her glasses, but assured me that she didn’t look at the contents. This is the first time that I am aware of this happening, but my parents-in-law are trying to push me to take action against her. I know salary details are a sensitive issue in Germany, but I think they are overreacting, what’s your opinion? Hank Lourdes, Heidelberg, Germany
Oh, I entirely agree with you. I strongly disagree with your parents-in-law. Cui bono? I do not see what possible good can come from pursuing the matter, whether accident or deliberate. All that you would do would be to make an enemy of your neighbour with the same last name as you. Life is too short and too complicated to bother it with feuds with neighbours. I thought that it was the Brits who were obsessively secretive about the details of their salaries. Some of the best and greatest men and women in history received even smaller salaries than we think we do. Think the best of your neighbour. Believe that she opened your payslip by accident. Believe that she never read the details of your salary. In the long eye of history, what does it matter? Get on with life. On this occasion, in the nicest possible way, ignore the daft (and mischievous) advice of your parents-in-law.
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I have a friend with whom I go to the pub for a drink fairly regularly. I’ve noticed gradually that he has started walking in an odd way, going out of his way to step on particular paving stones as we walk down the street, or touching the same spots on the wall. I assume this is some sort of a superstitious routine but it worries me a bit. Would it be wrong to mention it? Name and address withheld
Not wrong, provided that you mention it in a friendly, humorous way. Only the sternest philosophers have no such foibles and superstitions. Sportsmen are absurdly superstitious with such tricks. There is a natural childishness and playfulness in human nature that makes us perform meaningless rituals. I knew a great scholar who never saw a magpie in the morning without saluting it: “Good morning, Mr Magpie!” When taking the Jack Russells to the park before crack of dawn, I sometimes catch myself avoiding stepping on the cracks between the paving-stones, for fear that the bears come and eat me. A tribal relic from infancy. You should worry seriously only if your chum regularly falls over after his visit to the pub with you.
Should adults playing games with children give them special concessions, or even cheat to let them win? I was a bit taken aback when our game of beach cricket was taken over by a bunch of highly competitive men, to the extent that children playing were outnumbered and relegated to fielding for most of the game. Sophie Anderson, Fulham, London
Depends on the game. It is patronising for adults to let children win at games obviously. Children need to learn to lose as well as to win. They also need to learn to “play up, play up, and play the game,” in life as well as in fun. On the other hand, children are generally smaller and less skilful at most games than adults. The ferocious competitiveness of parents at the fathers’ and mothers’ race at school sports is absurd and sad. Playing with children is a fine art. To let them win occasionally, without them realising that you are doing so, is good for them. Everybody needs a petty triumph occasionally, to boost morale. My father, a famous sportsman, found it difficult to realise that he was not still King of the Rugger Jungle. I can remember at the age of 18 easing up in a sprinting race in order to let him win. It mattered more to him than to me.
What would you recommend as a thank you present for the hosts when you have been invited for a weekend? Tom Radcliffe, Cirencester
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No general answer available. It depends on the host, the weekend and other contingent circs. The conventional bread-and-butter sleeper weekend presents are cut flowers, chocolates or appropriate booze. A more imaginative present would be a new novel well reviewed in The Times. The alpha guest notes something that is missing in her/his host’s household, and gives that as a thank-you present. For example, a better corkscrew or a tin opener that works. Provided that filling the deficiency does not appear to be a veiled reproach for inadequate hospitality - for example, by giving loo paper or a pot scourer.
My son is a medical student, and I have started to notice that whenever he is in a social situation with my friends, or other older people, that they start to ask him about their symptoms or try to get a second opinion about something their doctor has told them. Is there a polite way he can rebuff this sort of conversation? I’m sure he will meet it more and more in the future. Name and address withheld
Your boy is going to have to learn, along with his medical skills, the art of turning away importunate seekers after a free consultation. It is bad manners to discuss your health with anybody, most of all a doctor. The world is full of bad-mannered and foolish people. At a lesser level, aspirant writers ask professional writers to help them to get their work published, to read their poetry, to accept their book (published by a vanity publisher). Henry James had a Phrop (Janus-headed) reply for impertinent celebrity-hunters, who sent him unsolicited their books. “I shall lose no time in reading your book.” Your son is going to have to cultivate a social as well as a bedside manner. Humour helps. As well as a large tolerance for the human animal.
I noticed in the news films of Prince Charles’s visit to Boscastle that when it started to rain he opened an umbrella to keep himself dry but did not seem to offer to share it with the person walking next to him. What is the etiquette of umbrella sharing, and is there a special royal exemption? Name and address withheld
A gent offers to share his brolly with whoever is walking beside him. This can be more of a hindrance than a help, if they are of wildly disparate heights. The real gent hands over, or at least offers to hand over, his umbrella to weaker mortals beside him. The royals do have particular difficulties because of royal status, and the ancient taboo against uninvited contact with royal flesh. Unless the royal personage touches you deliberately to cure you of scrofula or the King’s Evil. We must make allowances for the primitive taboos that hedge a royal.