Modern Manners

My partner is a wonderful man except when he’s sloshed. I really loathe him when he’s drunk. When we’re at parties, he staggers about making frightful sexist or lewd remarks and racist jokes. I am mortified and enraged. He refuses to leave, so I’ve taken to walking out or, if the signs are there, not going in the first place. When he’s sober and we discuss the matter, he’s remorseful but it doesn’t prevent it happening again. I know this is an awful way to treat him and our friends but I don’t know what else to do. Should I be grinning and bearing it? Are my bad manners justified by his? Is it unfair to leave our friends to deal with him? Name and address withheld

Young men do get drunk and behave badly. To do so regularly and predictably is bad manners, infantile and boring. To walk out on him in his drunken mode is understandable, but you are slightly doing a Pontia Pilate and washing your hands. Not bad manners, but abdicating responsibility for your man. And you are dumping the problem on your friends. You cannot just grin and bear it. You must help him to grow up and behave better, without becoming his nanny or his probation officer. Talk to him. Enlist the help of your friends to ration his intake. Show him gently what an idiot he makes of himself, and what a pain he becomes to you and your friends. He will not change overnight. You may need to make strenuous efforts to keep him off the bottle. But if he is that wonderful, he should get the message and be grateful. He has to struggle to becoming a sensible drinker, and you must help him. He needs your help.

Thank you for your column, which I enjoy and find enriching. In reading your response to a recent question from Germany, I wondered if it was polite to use “advanced English” when responding to those whose first language is probably not English. Words such as liggers, puffery, churlish, surly, committeewomanship and diffident are not easy to chew on for those who have not been immersed in the language all their lives. Craig Withers, Vancouver

Thank you for a very interesting and useful e-mail. One of the prime lessons of newspaper style is never to use a long word where a short word will do, even when writing for native British to the language born. And one of the vices of journalism is to use long words to pretend that we are scholars and savants. (We aren’t.) We should avoid sesquipedalianism and pontification. However, The Times, whether online or on the printed page, is a newspaper for educated adults. It should deploy the full armoury of the natural English lexicon, irrespective of the first language of the reader. It is the oldest (and best) daily newspaper published in English. And we have a proud legacy of English language and literature going back 220 years. I do not expect (or want) Le Monde or the Neue Zurcher Zeitung to write in simple French or Swiss German for me, just because I may struggle a bit with the long words. But your advice is salutary, Craig Withers. And I shall think of it when I am tempted to write a silly word like “sesquipedalianism”.

At lunch today I was described by my fiancée as a scruff. I confess that the cuff of my favourite blue shirt is slightly frayed, and there is a very minor worn patch on the back of my favourite cords. In mitigation I was wearing a decent tie and polished shoes. I look at these garments as old friends, and consider minor faults shabby genteel. I suspect that my fiancée would burn both shirt and cords - and indeed may yet do so. Am I hopelessly fogeyish to stick to my old, familiar clothes? Name and address withheld

They do say that the prime test of a gent’s dress is his shoes. Provided that they are sober not flash, well-polished, and not decorated with Charlie gold chains, they are his badge of respectability. The rest of his clothes should be clean and without gaping holes. To dress too smartly, ie, matching shirt, tie and handkerchief in breast pocket, is deemed (by sartorial snobs) as the badge of a sartorial arriviste. Trying too hard. Showing off. More money than sense, etc. The Englishman’s patched tweed jacket with leather on elbows is a class cliche and symbol. But these are only clothes, outer coverings, and trivialities. Everything you wear makes a statement. But there are more important things to worry about. For example, is the man inside the cords intelligent, humorous, kind and good fun? And a prudent man listens carefully to what his fiancée says. Why not compromise, and buy a replica of your favourite blue shirt. I’m a fine one to talk. Good luck. Fine feathers do not make a gentleman. But a gentleman listens when his fiancée calls him a scruff.

Is it correct etiquette for the male to walk on the outside nearest the traffic when escorting a lady? I vaguely remember this to be so. But I cannot think why. Peter Orchard, Cheltenham

It is one of the antique rules of courtly and gentlemanly behaviour that the man walks on the outside, in order to protect the supposedly weaker vessel from traffic, splashing and the other hazards of urban life. Whether it still applies now that the female is no longer widely recognised as the weaker vessel is problematic. It still makes a certain amount of sense. There are no longer many horses and hansom cabs to splash her petticoats. But there are buses that take a delight in roaring through puddles to drench pedestrians. And there are bag-snatchers on mopeds and motor bikes who make their living by grabbing passing handbags from unwary arms. Provided you do not make a fetish of it, and perform as ostentatiously as Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak across a puddle for Queen Elizabeth, it is prudent and friendly for the male to take the outer berth.

My parents-in-law are moving abroad and have, despite my kind refusals, insisted on passing their many crockery sets to us, as an early inheritance. Out of a wish to help them, and with their agreement, I finally decided to take all the crockery with the intention of either giving it away or keeping it, although I hardly have space in my apartment. Now they have started complaining (to my husband) and expressing dismay about the way I am storing “their” crockery, although everything is in good shape. I consider this not to be their business any more, and feel quite annoyed about their intrusion. Should I give them all their crockery back? Daniela Kuehn, Taunusstein, Germany

No. We must be tolerant of the eccentricities and crochets of our elders, especially our parents-in-law. You are a decent daughter-in-law to take in your in-laws’ crockery, when you probably have enough of your own already. But they are probably suffering from Dresden china withdrawal symptoms. In their own eyes, they are being generous. You must be generous and understanding back. Perhaps you could substitute some of their plates for yours when they next visit. Superfluity of crockery may be a nuisance. But it is infinitely preferable to falling out with one’s in-laws. Tell them how much you like their crockery. A white lie is permissible in a good cause. Lay it on with a ladle. Like many older people, they do not like letting go. You must persuade them that you love their crockery almost as much as you love them and are thankful to them. Once they have moved abroad, you can revert to the crockery you prefer (except when they visit). It is simply not worth fighting over in-laws’ crockery.

How can I explain to a perfectly nice young man at the office that I simply do not want to go out with him. What is the correct etiquette? How can I do it without hurting his feelings? Ann Barrow, London

Your last request is generous, but probably impossible to achieve. You may have to hurt the feelings of the nice young man a bit. In these affairs of the heart or adjacent areas, the boy scouts, the girl guides. In the old-fashioned romances, the girl would blush prettily, and say: “O Jasper, you have paid me the greatest compliment that a man can pay a woman. But I cannot. My heart is given elsewhere... La di da di da.” And the young man would go off to shoot tigers or join the French Foreign Legion. We live in less hidebound times, thank Eros. The important thing is to leave him in no doubt about your feelings. But there is no reason that you cannot be perfectly good friends with a nice young man at the office, on office occasions, without, as the tabloids put it, “sex rearing its ugly head”. What an absurd cliche. Good luck. Handing off unwelcome male attentions is a delicate female diplomatic skill that comes with practice.