What is the correct ‘handbag’ etiquette when dining in a private home? When sitting at the dining table, should it be placed on the floor, on one’s lap or at the back of the chair? Julia McCallum, Scotland
Ham-fisted Hephaestus, the crippled god of clumsies! This is a vexing problem that I have never encountered directly - though I have met it with my satchel or briefcase that I take everywhere. It is my security bag. I should try to dump my handbag in the hall, on a table or clothes rack. But might I need my bag during dinner? Whatever for? If I put it on the floor, it would be sure to trip somebody up. At Joe Allen’s (a trendy London eatery), little Tommy (aged 8), suffering from schoolgate tummy, was sick into the bag that a lady at the next table had placed on the floor. Absit Omen! On my lap, it would get in the way of the spaghetti, and with turning from right to left to left to talk to my neighbours. Least worst is to hang the impedimentum on the back of my chair. Best is dump the thing in the hall.
The apartment building I live in is generally well sound-proofed and I have a good relationship with my neighbours. Sometimes, late at night when all is quiet, I can hear loud discussions from downstairs extremely clearly. Should I warn my neighbours that their voices travel, especially in summer when everyone has their windows open? It doesn’t bother me as I sleep with ear plugs in, but they might be shocked that others can hear their personal business! Maria Ericksen, Auckland, New Zealand
Moose-tracking Mohicans who can hear a pine-needle drop in the forest! What a tactful neighbour you are. Since the intimate conversations of your neighbours do not bother you. And since you sleep with ear-plugs in. I should not raise the matter directly front-on with your neighbours. It might embarrass them, and me. City-living in apartments and juxtaposed terrace housing means that we often overhear adjacent and peripheral noise that is not meant for us. The good neighbour turns a blind eye and a deaf ear to it, and carries on with the even tenor of his life regardless. I might approach the matter by indirections, next time I have a cup of tea, glass of beer or chat with my neighbours. Observing lightly and tangentially how noise travels in these apartments. But theafter I should let the matter rest. Cui bono? To whose benefit would it be to bring the matter up directly? Nobody’s.
What is the polite way to refuse an invitation? Peter Hamilton, Dorchester
You are not on oath in refusing an invitation. This is an occasion when economy with the truth or a white lie is in order. The world would be a monstrous Kakotopia if we all spoke the absolute truth all the time. So we reply: “Philip Howard thanks the Duchess of Omnium for her kind invitation, but much regrets that he cannot accept it because of a previous engagement.” It is prudent not to specify the previous engagement. Keep even white lies as simple as possible. Or, in the modern idiom: “(:-( Philcant ParT. SRY. TUVM. TXT.”
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I am due to travel to Buenos Aires early next month, and will spend three weeks as a paying guest in a family home whilst I complete a Spanish course. I would like to take a small gift but feel it presumptuous to offer alcohol in case my host does not drink, and there are restrictions on carrying food abroad. Do you have any other suggestions of something I could take? John Humphries, Reading
What a thoughtful paying guest you are. You need to take your PG hosts something characteristically British, preferably something typical of Reading. This is difficult in these days of globalisation, when shopping malls from Birmingham to Buenos Aires sell the same (crappy) goods. I might take them a good book that has just been well reviewed in The Times. But your hosts may not read. A nice edition of Shakespeare? My Argentine friends are wild for Shakespeare. Your hosts may not read English. So take the latest book in Spanish? Your present needs to be flat, light and unbreakable. How about place-mats with scenic views of Reading on them? OK, British castles.
Is it polite/obligatory for men to wear black ties at a funeral/memorial service? John W., Edinburgh
This has become a grey area and a controversial custom. It varies between town and country, different age groups and classes. On the one hand, traditional values prefer a symbol of mourning and respect. On the other hand, the new tribalism is suspicious of traditional values and ostentatious solemnity. What to do? I should err on the side of formality. It is worse to offend traditionalists rather than trendies. A black tie at a memorial service is a bit OTT for my tastes and skeletal wardrobe. I do not possess a black necktie, and I am not going to buy one. But I tend to wear a sober institutional tie for such occasions, if I and the dear departed were products of the same institution. Stuffy, I suppose.
I have a colleague at work who continually taps me for a loan at the pub. He says he has forgotten to go to the hole in the wall. But he often forgets to repay the loan. How can I get him to pay his debts without causing offence? M.J.H., Chelsea
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What a generous (timorous?) chum you are. Polonius is an old fool. But he is not always foolish. “Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;/ For loan oft loses both itself and friend,/ And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.” It is sometimes difficult for the kind colleague to refuse to help a colleague out. But next day, back in the office, it is possible to remind him of his debt politely but firmly. And to carry on until he coughs up.
At the beginning of the year, I sent a nostalgic sweet hamper to an old school friend who lives in Marseilles (via her mum who was in the UK for Christmas). Having spent ages searching for childhood sweets on the internet, I parcelled these up with a letter and some old school photos, and looked forward to a good old reminisce. Even though she received the box at the beginning of January I’ve not heard from her. As well as feeling hurt that she hasn’t been in touch (even to laugh at the dodgy school photos), I wonder whether I’ve offended her in some way? Am I reading too much into her silence? My husband thinks so! My other problem is that it’s her birthday in February and I always phone. Do I mention the sweets or should I carefully avoid the subject in case it embarrasses her? Nicola Taylor, Winchester
Yes. I agree with your husband. You are reading too much into the silence of your old friend. Your amiable parcel may never have arrived. Your friend may be hopeless and feckless at writing letters. Many people are. After all, the beginning of January is not that long ago. You may be about to receive a long and grateful letter. She may be waiting for your birthday chat in February. I would mention the sweets in your Feb call, in the lightest possible way. “By the way, dearest Ermintrude, did those sweeties I sent you remind you of our dormy feasts in the Old Coll?” No? I don’t think that would embarrass her. And, even if it did, why not a little embarrassment for careless manners and friendship?
I was brought up to believe that it was rude to interrupt people when they were speaking. This tradition of politeness seems to have gone out of the window. What do you think? Jack Thompson, London
It is still rude to interrupt a speaker. John Humphrys of the Today programme sets a bad example by never letting anybody else get a word in. His excuse must be that he works to absurdly strict deadlines. The world will not come to an end if a programme over-runs. And some politicians are programmed to witter on interminably without answering the question. You and I should retain old-fashioned good manners and refrain from interrupting. If our interlocutor simply will not stop talking, I hold up my hand like a schoolboy to signal that I have something to say.
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With regards to your answer on eating spaghetti last week, I think as it is an Italian meal, you should enjoy it as an Italian would. Twirl heaps onto your fork and place in mouth. The messier the table and your mouth, a clear sign you enjoyed every mouthful. Is that not what eating is about? Who cares what the Jones’s think! Jamin Schewitz, Manchester
Buon’ appetito. I agree with you, with relish. The best spaghetti I ever ate was Silver and Gold in Blessed Florence. And the proper way to eat Spag is with relish, con ragout, and my napkin tucked into my shirt neck. But it does depend a bit on the location. If I were eating spaghetti with Her Maj at Buck House (or the Pope in the Vatican), I might try to ingest the strands more tidily, and without splashing my neighbours. But spaghetti is a peasant (pleasant) dish. I am unlikely to eat it at Buckingham Palace (or the Vatican), for several reasons. Today I shall take my small boys and girls to eat spaghetti at the best Neapolitan and Sicilian restaurant outside Sicily and Naples. And we shall follow your advice.