Modern Manners

Friends of my wife and mine have recently stayed rent-free in our villa abroad whilst we were in the UK. I am horrified to find that my electricity bill reflects enormous usage of air conditioning by them — about £700 in one month. They are very dear friends and I would not want to say anything to them that might jeopardise our relationship. What can I say to them, if anything? AnonyMoses, London

It should be possible to ask friends, especially very dear friends, to pay for their huge electricity bill, without jeopardising your friendship. In the unaccustomed heat, they probably did not realise what they were doing. However, I share your generous opinion that friendship is worth more than money.

I’m attending a black tie function later this month. Although I do have tux and bow tie, I was considering wearing a normal, long, black evening tie. Would this be appropriate? Derek Sharp, East Ham



It is good manners to wear the dress stipulated by your hosts. Allowances are made these days for those who do not have the kit, and who do not want to pay the extortionate price charged by those who hire out dress clothes. But since you possess a DJ and bow tie, I do not see the objection to wearing them. Can’t be bothered to change? Collar too tight in penguin suit? If you are coming straight from work, with no time to change, OK. We will make allowances, though Jeeves would not. A black tie with a lounge suit signifies mourning. It would be mildly inappropriate not to follow the instructions on your invitation, but not an offence to hang you by your braces. I daresay that in these unbuttoned times there will be others improperly dressed.

Why do you use the spelling “etiket”. I have found no other reference to that spelling online, nor in a range of fairly comprehensive dictionaries. Furthermore, the foot of the online modern manners section itself refers to “etiquette”. It seems either to be affectation, or ignorance. I can believe the former, less so the latter but figured it best to ask. James Whitten, London



Archons of Athens: I suspect that it is just a wet joke at the expense of sticklers for spelling as we pronounce. One should not make jokes, especially wet ones, in print. They are likely to annoy the readers, and be held against you. Ditto to irony. Half the readers will misunderstand it. But I do. I do. Alas and dammit.



Re: People who did not receive wedding gift from husband’s sister: The sister may have sent a gift which did not arrive safely. A few years ago I used a bridal registry for a friend’s wedding. Months later at a dinner party of hers when she was short of glasses, I commented that she should use the glasses we gave her for her wedding. Imagine my embarassment when she replied that they had not received anything from us. The bridal registry had not delivered, and we were left red -faced. Christine Wright, Waterview Heights, Australia



There is a moral fable worthy of Aesop or the satirical poet Horace. It is a lesson for us all. Never take the post for granted. Always thank for presents. The same day, if possible, or we may forget. Think the best of our friends and relations. Be generous, not critical.

When drinking a cup of hot chocolate served with whipped cream and/or marshmallows, especially in a public place, is it acceptable to eat the topping with a teaspoon? I can’t see any other way round this without getting the cream all over my face or leaving marshmallows in the bottom of my cup. Helen McDonald, Aberdeen



I do not believe that the High Priest(esse)s of Etiket have ruled on this vexing question yet. But I see no reason at all not to use your spoon to attack the topping. Cutlery was made for man, not man for cutlery. Just like other manners. We should eat and drink our hot chocolate with relish, and a spoon, if necessary. For those who tut-tut my small boys for being chocaholics, I remind them of the great civilisation of the Incas. They lived on chocolate, until they were destroyed by the alcoholic Spaniards.

Traffic is nose-to-tail and I am stationary in my car on a minor road. Very graciously a fellow motorist beckons to me, flashes his lights and allows me to join the major road. I acknowledge with a wave and accept his offer. Within 30 yards there is another minor road with a queue of traffic wanting to join the major road. Ordinarily I would have no hesitation in pausing to allow a vehicle to join my road. Do as you would be done by, if you will. However, am I overestimating the generosity of the driver who let me into the traffic? Do I risk his wrath or the ignore the motorist who wishes to join the traffic? Charles Phillip Wright, Durham City

The good-mannered motorist is generous in letting others join his main road, without holding up the main road for ages. It is a similar dilemma to holding open the door for others. He is not in a rat-like hurry to get on. He waves one or two of those on the minor road. He is calm and good-tempered. He is usually a she.

Last November you advised a reader about unsolicited (expensive) charity Christmas cards and implied that Charity Christmas cards were all “naff” as they advertised one’s bounty. I hope you did not mean that, as “Cards for Good Causes” (sales held in churches, halls, etc, by volunteers for a wide variety of charities) mean that lots of money, which would otherwise go to retailers, goes to charities. Also an attractive card may promote a charity, which might otherwise be unknown to the recipient. Frankly I consider it “naff” not to send charity cards - assuming one is sending cards at all. Jenny Staples, London



I agree with that. The annual avalanche of Christmas cards is a loopy phenomenon, touching in part, vulgar in the commercial part, funny in the mass hysteria. It is cognate with the sentimental profusion of uninivited mourning flowers and dreadful verses left by the scene of an accident. I am not wild about expensive cards from firms I have only just heard of, pretending to a bogus intimacy, and trying to buy my goodwill. We should send cards to our nearest and dearest, certainly charity cards. Especially to those who live alone or abroad. Some organisations, such as The Black Watch or a University, may want to fly their flag on cards for Christmas. The competition with neighbours to hang out more cards than others is an absurd pantomime of Vanity Fair. Smile at it. Let us see our friends, not fob them off with an annual circular letter excuse for not having seen them.



In a reply to a query about the use of first names, you replied: “First names rule these days. In trendy societies and environments, to address somebody as Mr Smith, Miss Jones, nowadays sounds cold and even offensive.” I cannot agree. The use of first names indicates a relationship more intimate than mere acquaintance, indeed a friendship, that most often does not exist. The Prime Minister has called for more respect and that would be assisted if the titular Mr, Mrs and Miss were used more frequently. The presumption of some kind of matiness in business and personal matters can only lead to ill feeling and the degree of neutrality a titular address affords can be of help when a relationship fails. I don’t want a young clerk in a store, bank or doctor’s office to call me by my first name; Princess Anne was correct when, at Mrs Blair’s suggestion that she called her Cherie, the princess is supposed to have remarked that “it would be better to stick to Mrs Blair.” (unless of course she actually said “it would be better to stick it to Mrs Blair”, a sentiment with which many would agree.) Here in the United States, the trendiest place on earth (or so it is thought by so many of my countrymen who flock here) at least there is no automatic assumption that first names are acceptable. David Cunard, Los Angeles, California

This is a respectable and worthy opinion in many places and circles. We have to decide how to address people according to their circumstances and desires. In my world of chummy journalism, we first-name. And so, especially, do people in the tinsel world of advertising and PR. I noticed this erosion of the dignity of nomenclature when I appeared on the radio with Marganita Laski, a fine scholar, wit and lady. Having only just met her, I addressed her as Ms Laski. She rebuked me afterwards for coldness on air. On our radio, politicians always address their inquisitors by their first names, even though they hardly know each other and are about to tear each other apart and interrupt each other. Times change. In Dickens’ time first names were rarely used, except by parents to children. Spinster ladies might never be addressed by their Christian names after they left the nursery. This may explain some of the popularity of Victorian romantic fiction. At least between hard covers, they could read first names being used. Dignified address has gone. Informality rules. Play it by ear. Try to address people as they would like. The Princess Royal as your Royal Highness and Ma’am. And Cherie as Cherie, if so invited.

I am from England and my husband is from South America. He was recently disgusted by my children dipping bread in their soup. When I defended them, saying it was quite acceptable in England, he said: “Well, burping is quite acceptable in some countries, so I will do that at the table,” and proceeded to encourage the children to do likewise. Putting aside the five-year-old tactics, which one of us is (in theory) right? Jessica Salazar, Sheffield



You both are. Table manners vary widely. One man’s meat is another woman’s poisson. It is a Western myth that the Chinese (or some other race) consider it good manners to burp at table. South American manners differ in some ways from English manners. So do French manners and Polynesian manners. Quite a lot of this is a matter of class distinction. Dipping bread in soup might be considered slightly chav, naff and builders’ behaviour. All that manners mean is how we behave in public. You are lucky enough to have a mixed family with both South American and English manners. Good manners mean treating others as we would like to be treated ourselves. Since dipping bread in the soup upsets your husband, I should teach your children not to do it. Why fall out over the minestrone?



Is it ever appropriate to verbally abuse your colleagues? I mean if they have done something really stupid, which makes your life difficult. Or do we just have to grin and bear it for the sake of office harmony? I sometimes think a good shout helps to clear the air. Tim Charlton, London



It is appropriate for the RSM to abuse the idle soldier on parade, and maybe for a teacher to abuse a lazy child. “I’ll have your guts for garters, you ‘orrible little man.” But RSM Blood always abused with a smile behind the roar. It is problematic to shout at colleagues in the office. They may not understand that it is not meant to kill. Some roar, some abuse, some put up with stupidity in silence, some make sarcastic remarks. A good shout may make you feel better. But it may not have the same effect on your colleagues. I try not to lose my temper. Cui bono? If we are shouted at when we do something stupid, who shall ‘scape shouting. Only you and I never do anything stupid. And I am not sure about me.



I really hate tomatoes and mushrooms. I’m not allergic to them but I just can’t bear to eat them. I’ve been invited to go and stay for a weekend in the country at the house of a colleague of my husband’s. Should I say in advance that I will not be able to eat anything with tomatoes or mushrooms in? Name and address withheld

No, I think that sounds as though you are ordering the menu, as from room service in a hotel. You are unlikely to be given a meal consisting solely of mushrooms or tomatoes. Staying for a weekend makes strange table-fellows. I should grit my teeth, and eat the watercress, which is my aversion. Risk it. If it happens, either explain your aversion, or take a tiny helping and pretend to mumble it. That is what the Queen would do.

If you get cut off during a phone conversation, who should do the phoning back - the person who made the original call, or the callee? Vince McCabe, Belfast

No absolute rule. Depends on the urgency of the call, and the impatience of the callers. In general, I reckon that the person making the call should phone back. In practice, what usually happens is that both phone back simultaneously, and get the engaged tone.

When you have been to stay in someone’s house, what are you meant to do with the sheets on your bed when you leave. Strip the bed? Make it? Or leave it exactly as you got out of it? Name and address withheld



Ask your hostess what she would like done with the sheets. Most beds have duvets and an undersheet these days. Punctilious guests fold their sheets up in squares for the wash. But with if your slatternly hostess wasn’t intending to change the sheets? If she was somebody in to make beds, do not forget to leave a tip. Consult your hostess. As with other manners, find out what she would like, and do it.



ETIKET OF REVOLVING DOORS:



I don’t know about dealing with strangers, but I always understood that if a gentleman approached a revolving door with a lady, he should precede her, to do the pushing, but then continue all the way round again, so that she emerged first! Martin Perkins, Orpington

ON WEARING MEDALS:

In response to Mrs Wray’s dilemma about whether or not she should wear her late father’s medals for Remembrance Day parades, I have my late father’s and grandfather’s medals which I too have had mounted. I also feel uncomfortable about wearing the medals, so instead of wearing them at parades, I carry them on their mounts to display them. Perhaps Mrs Wray may consider doing this. Lorraine Collier, Epping