Sex — both quality and quantity — tends to decline with age and many people’s expectations after the age of 50 are low. But according to Dr Stephen Snyder, a sex and relationship therapist, it certainly doesn’t have to be this way. He has counselled hundreds of couples and says that it’s not too difficult to keep passion alive as you reach midlife. Here’s how.
Start snogging on the sofa again
Many married couples avoid any behaviour that risks awakening their libido unless they’re planning to have full sex. Their erotic life becomes mostly famine with the rare feast, by which point their appetites have shrunk.
I like to use the analogy of snacking — and sexual snacking is terrific for your love life post-50. It’s the idea that you should get sexually excited together, even if you’re not planning to have sex. And don’t say you don’t have time for this. You can squeeze in a minute or two in front of the TV. Do it during the adverts or hit pause on the remote.
It is easy to get into the habit of denying yourself casual moments of erotic pleasure. In my office, women often say they worry that if they’re responsible for the man getting aroused, he’ll expect full sex at the wrong time. But the truth is, most men (and women, actually) are thrilled with a snack. It keeps passion simmering and means any eventual lovemaking is likely to be hot.
Just discuss it so that there’s no confusion. Think about creating moments of erotic tension (a proper kiss at bedtime, a lingering touch as you say goodbye in the morning) that leave you feeling buzzy, slightly frustrated and with a soppy grin on your face.
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Stop being a pleaser — you can be a bit selfish
Unfortunately, most sex advice focuses on how to please your partner. You’ve seen those headlines: “Seven ways to blow his mind in bed”, or “How to give her the greatest orgasm of her life”. The problem with that approach, besides being unrealistic, is that it’s all focused on technique. Don’t get me wrong — good technique is nice and it’s certainly better than bad technique, but it can quickly start to feel like work.
If you’re doing anything in bed that feels like a task, you should stop. Humans function in two modes. The first is what you might call “thinking and doing”. That’s where we spend most of our time. The second, “awareness”, is what happens when we ease up on thinking and doing. Then awareness takes over and you’re “in the moment”.
As a sex therapist, I believe that being lost in the moment is the foundation of all good sexual experience. Good sex shouldn’t feel like a chore. So go ahead and give your partner pleasure if you like, but don’t forget to enjoy them as well. Chances are they’ll respond by enjoying you too.
Have a good complain before sex: clear the air
It’s hard to be “in the moment” when you’re irritated with your partner because they forgot to take out the rubbish. There’s a technique I teach couples in my office, “mindful listening”, that works really well here. One of you starts by venting for two minutes while the other simply listens. Don’t argue back or defend yourself. Simply nod and say, “I understand”. Then switch roles. Once you’ve each had a chance to feel heard (even if you still totally disagree), it’s much easier to have good sex. You can always save arguing for after you have sex. If you still feel like it, that is.
Get yourselves a vibrator
It’s no coincidence that many couples start to have less sex in their fifties, around the time of the menopause, which can make sex more painful for women. Happily, this is almost always treatable. If your GP or gynaecologist can’t help you, find one who can.
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Other sex changes in midlife are more subtle, such as women finding orgasms harder to attain. I’ve seen a number of men in their fifties for erectile dysfunction where it turned out the issue was that their partner needed more time to climax. By the time she did, he was so exhausted he’d lost his erection. Such couples have a choice — he can take Viagra and stay hard longer. Or she can use a vibrator while they are making love, to make it easier for her to get there.
Sex should be easy. Getting to orgasm shouldn’t be like climbing Everest. Every woman over 50 should own a good vibrator. (Hint: some of the high-end ones make wonderful gifts.)
Cut back on those unsexy cuddles
Too much cuddling can drain the sexual energy from your relationship. It creates the expectation that your partner is someone to be cuddled rather than to get sexually excited with. For a good sex life post-50, make sure your partner stays associated in your mind with sexual excitement, not just with relaxation.
There’s no shame in using Viagra if you need it
A man in his fifties or sixties may still be quite capable of getting hard, but it can take longer. Most sex therapists recommend more foreplay to accommodate this. But a man who’s not hard yet has one thing on his mind: worrying about how long it will take to get hard — which is not so erotic. Then if his partner tries to help, he’ll feel even more pressure. Plus, does his partner need another chore?
In my opinion it’s much better to just give him some Viagra so he can get hard without all the waiting and effort. Most midlife couples who decide on this tell me they wish they’d done it years ago.
Make her feel desired — and make sure you are desirable too
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For most women I talk to, feeling desired is like oxygen. It’s at least half the fun of good sex. Text her: “Thinking of you and smiling.” Don’t forget to tell her how attracted to her you are.
And if a man doesn’t make an effort to look after himself, it’s a problem. Most men don’t realise quite how many elements need to be in place for many women to enjoy sex. Good hygiene, for example, nice conversation, not leaving socks on the floor.
Talk to avoid these common misunderstandings about libido, decline and desire
Some women find that physical or psychological symptoms of the menopause drain their confidence or make sex painful. It can be very hard to talk about this.
Likewise, a man may stop initiating sex and start avoiding physical intimacy not because he’s lost desire but because he’s afraid of disappointing his partner. For instance because he’s worried about losing his erection. When he avoids initiating sex, she assumes he no longer desires her and feels wretched. He senses she’s unhappy, so feels it’s probably safest to avoid her, which obviously is the worst thing to do.
To resolve confusion we must communicate. Sometimes it can be helpful for her to sit him down and say: “Look, I know it’s stressful for you to see me upset. But I promise, it’s not the end of the world. I just need to talk about this — but it will be OK.”
Get naked together — even when you’re not having sex
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For most couples, sex less than once a week isn’t quite enough to keep an erotic connection. But realistically, who has time to have sex during the week? All the more reason to make sex a priority at the weekend. That said, I understand that it’s not very likely that you’ll return home from buying wood glue from Homebase and have fabulous sex.
Here’s a suggestion: simply undress and go to bed together with the intention of doing absolutely nothing at all. Just be present. Breathe. Talk a little bit, if you like. Then notice any erotic feelings that might come up. Don’t pencil sex into the diary because you feel you should. Instead plan to be in bed together doing nothing and see where the moment takes you.
How to get back in the saddle if it’s been a while
Spending time in bed together, no sex expected, is also a great way to reconnect if sex hasn’t been on the agenda for a while. That way, if any flutter of desire does happen, you’re right there.
I tell couples to understand in advance that it may feel a little awkward. The good news is that awkwardness can wear off quickly. And if you do progress to some touching, touch your partner for your own pleasure rather than for it to have an effect on them. (So the burden isn’t on the receiver. It creates a totally different atmosphere.) Don’t be shy of saying: “God, this is a bit scary, it’s been a while!” That’s an intimate thing to say, and requires courage. The other person might say, “I’m scared too!” or “I think it’s going to be fine.”
Remember sex isn’t about getting to the end, it’s the journey that counts
Most perfunctory sex results from setting orgasm as the goal. She comes, then he comes, they both fall asleep. That’s fine occasionally, but it’s best to think of sex as a fine meal that includes an appetiser, main course and dessert.
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To clarify — orgasm is dessert. It’s a great end to the meal, but not why you go out to dinner. Good sex is less goal-driven, it’s more about having fun together and doing what turns you on.
Still, asking for more is tricky, because we’re all so vulnerable around sex. Any perceived criticism feels personal. So you might say: “I have a secret I want to tell you. Something that really turns me on.” Chances are, your partner will feel privileged to be entrusted with it. Who knows, maybe your partner has a secret or two they’ve been waiting to tell you.
Yes, yes, yes! Be loud in bed
Men often tell me they’d love it if their female partner was more vocal during sex. They find sounds and noises very erotic, and worry when she’s quiet.
If your partner is quiet, don’t say: “You’re always silent!” Instead, confide that if they did feel like making themself heard, it would drive you wild. When you’ve been honest, found a way to meet both your needs, it bonds you.
As told to Anna Maxted
Dr Stephen Snyder is the author ofLove Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, £11.15, St Martins Griffin Press
