Few masculine endeavours are as fraught with pitfalls yet as potentially relationship-boosting as buying a knockout item of clothing for your girlfriend or wife. Let me illustrate. Imagine having had a particularly terrible 2009, complete with health scares, woes at work, hoo-has at home, and money worries. That is precisely the 2009 a friend of mine has endured. So she’s been thunderously unhappy for months now, and – apart from the odd (pretend) smile – entirely oblivious to the geeing-up blandishments of her pals. Then, last week, I saw her: a different woman. So suddenly happy was she that she was not only smiling (for real), I think she was vibrating, too. Vaguely, I noticed the new, faux-fur collared overcoat at which she was gesticulating: “He got this for my birthday! It’s perfect! It’s Nicole Farhi! And he chose it himself.”
Such is the transformative power of the well thought-out gift of clothing from a man to a woman. Unlike jewellery, handbags or shoes, clothing gets you extra-special kudos because women assume you never, ever pay attention to what they wear. And of course – unless it’s, like, hot – we rarely do.
It is impossible to be prescriptive about precisely what you should buy her. But follow these guidelines and you should get a result.
? Do not buy bedwear. Beautiful pyjamas can be taken as saying, “Darling, what I really love doing with you in the sack is? reading.” And lingerie semaphores, “I’m bored with our sex life.” Neither goes down particularly well.
? Do observe what she wears. Does she love trouser suits? Do winter coats make her swoon? Are LBDs her love? Identify an abiding passion.
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? Do not then buy her exactly what she’s got lots of already. No, your task is to identify that passion, but then amplify it – by tracking down an item that is its non plus ultra. If she’s a coat-head, think MaxMara. If she’s a power-dresser, think YSL or Gucci. If she likes quirk, think Vivienne Westwood. Cheating is allowed: a female friend may be able to help you here.
? Do find out what size she is – and then buy your gift one size too big. If a husband gives his wife a garment she can’t fit into, she will not feel good. If it is slightly too roomy, she will feel fine – and relish taking it back to the beautiful shop to get the right size.
Follow these guidelines and, to get pseudo-Barthesian about this, your gift becomes a perfectly articulated signifier not only of your thoughtfulness, but of your engagement with her tastes. It demonstrates that you care – because you pay attention to her.
This is a powerful signal, and its dividends are threefold. Come Christmas, she can no longer fob you off with socks, something self-improving, or a Champneys-branded grooming pack from Sainsbury’s. Furthermore, you can bask in the warm, Mr Darcy-ish glow of being the ideal man. And best of all, you may well get what you wanted – but wouldn’t have got – had you bought her red lacy knickers.