What I need — to be more honest, what I want — is another Citroën Traction. But this one has to be exactly the same age as I am because it is my birthday this week.
I was therefore fortunate to find a 1951 model in immaculate condition, formerly the property of a Belgian general. This makes the car truly unique, as who ever knew that Belgium even had an army? If they do, the Traction would certainly have been just the vehicle for beating a stylish retreat.
I head to Dover with my faithful driver Danny, towing a trailer behind my Citroën Berlingo Multispace, with which to pick up the loot.
At Dover I make a quick inspection of the lavatories,which were disgusting on the last occasion I was here. I am glad to see the harbour board has sacked the lavatory cleaning contractor, hence it is now safe to take a tea here.
It is surprising that any Channel ferries are still in business. Today they are running three hours late because of a breeze. After smashing the Channel ferry cartel, I was however able to secure a £66 round trip from SeaFrance and since this is a fifth of the price quoted by Eurotunnel I must take my chances on the high seas.
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Belgium is a shabby country. I had thought that it was impossible to eat badly here. This is not true. Disappointing too is the standard of some of their remoter hotels. Nevertheless, I eventually found the tiny village where my Traction was waiting.
Luckily it was exactly as described on eBay, so I handed over ¤7,500 (£5,000). I’m not sure Mrs Miller is ready for another Traction since I already have one I keep in the south of France. I think she may be even more displeased to learn that I have also discovered in the garage of a neighbour in Surrey a 1949 Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith with a Hooper body made originally for Randolph Churchill.
This is a snip at £15,000 but I have run out of garage space and do not want a divorce — at least not yet — hence if any reader wishes to secure this valuable automobile they should quickly be in touch.
Coming back from Belgium towing the new old car was splendid. Tractions really are the sexiest automobiles. They were most famously driven by Inspector Maigret and so everyone waves when they see one.
On the quayside at Calais two people tried to buy the car from me, so whatever Mrs Miller says I reckon I’m on to a winner.
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Getting back to England I took up a copy of the Surrey Advertiser, a newspaper I have hitherto described as gormless and which actually threatened to sue me for saying as much.
However, I see it has a rather good story on the front page about a man who had to fake a recovery from illness in order to discharge himself from the Royal Surrey County hospital, so appalled was he by the filth on the ward.
I can speak with knowledge on this point as I was there just a few weeks ago in the emergency reception area, which competes with the toilets at Dover harbour for rankness.
Although my complaints about the loos at Dover have resulted in them being cleaned, I have given up hope that complaints about the Royal Surrey hospital will change anything at all.
One advantage in going to Belgium is that I can legally watch the BBC there (I still have no licence). I must say that the commentators on the Olympic coverage should certainly be tested for taking drugs. Their excitability every time a Briton comes a pathetic eighth in some godforsaken sport suggests that urine samples should be taken at once — not from the competitors but from the presenters.
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My final achievement is to complete the 184-mile Thames river walk. To be honest, I met an American friend at the Anchor and Hope pub in Greenwich, southeast London, and walked the final half mile, although she had started in a muddy field in the Cotswolds.
At the Thames Barrier visitors centre I demanded a certificate to mark completion of the river walk. They finally found one in the kitchen and I had a waitress present it to my friend.
She told me a wonderful story about meeting the Queen and enthusing about how beautiful the swans were on the river. The Queen replied: “All the swans belong to me.” Is there anyone else who can say that?