“For me, the battle for the red squirrel is iconic,” Prince Charles told the Radio Times, as he called for the creature to become Britain’s national mascot. But surely there are other, more appropriate, symbols for our island nation . . .
A cup of tea The Empire was built on cups of char. Why let Lady Gaga take it away from us?
Freddie Flintoff Associated with dogged determination, valiant bulldog spirit and pedalo pranks.
The London pigeon A bit grubby and irritating but it always comes back, no matter how hard you kick it.
Jack Russell Small and harmless, but hangs around with much larger dogs to seem more powerful.
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Nick Clegg A metaphor for our changeable weather.
A cow Peaceful but prone to occasional bouts of madness.
A Dyson vacuum cleaner Like Stephenson’s Rocket, a true icon of British engineering (even if it is made in Malaysia).
William Shakespeare and Paul McCartney Two real cultural heavyweights. They should bookend the royal crest, riding unicorns.
John Bull Replace the Union Flag waistcoat with a football shirt, the top hat with a Burberry cap and the bulldog with a rabid, illegal pitbull and, voila! The perfect stereotype for 21st-century Britain.
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The Reliant Robin from Only Fools and Horses However small the GDP gets, the bastards will never grind us down.
The Little Chef Still synonymous with life on the British road.
The Spitfire A heroic reminder of the days when no one questioned who we were fighting. Although Nick Griffin may have spoilt it for everyone.
Norman Wisdom At least it will get Albania on our side in the United Nations.