At the time I thought I’d be happy never to hit another tennis ball in my life. I spent five months in Kenya, I spent time with my friends and I played two or three different sports every day. I felt as though I’d been set free in Disneyland — while at the same time feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing something more important for humankind. I remember one year being on vacation on a houseboat on Lake Powell in Colorado. The US Open was on at the time and I didn’t even know or care who won.
Being an athlete makes it very difficult to be in a relationship, because it’s such a selfish existence. It has to be. I was always saying, “I’ve got to go practise now — I can’t talk,” or, “I can’t go out with you tonight because I have to save my energy for tomorrow.” That’s tough for another person. And if they didn’t want anyone to know they were gay, then that made it even more difficult, because the whole world was watching.
Coming out was no big deal for me. I’d had a few relationships with men, then I had my first sexual experience with a woman when I was 19 and I thought: “Oh, so that’s what it’s about…” I didn’t come out publicly until I was 25 or 26, not because I was hiding, just that I didn’t feel anyone needed to know.
On the tennis circuit, nobody cared. People weren’t thinking: “Oh my God, there’s a lesbian in the locker room!” But the media had a field day. It put any relationship I tried to have under impossible strain. Ten years later, it was still going on. It’s only in the past 10 years that it has ceased to be an issue.
Advertisement
The hardest thing was not getting the appreciation of the public while I was at my best. I would hit a great shot and there would be no more than a ripple from the crowd. I remember thinking: “I’m working my butt off here, I’m a good person, I work hard with charities, I try to do the right thing, and they’re cheering for the other guy every damn time.”
I’ve always been intensely critical of myself and I’m finally learning not to be. I think that’s part of growing up. I still beat myself up over stuff, I find it difficult to let go, but I don’t wallow in self-pity. I’m nicer than I was 10 years ago. Back then I found it difficult to respond to anyone else’s needs. I was so used to everyone hovering over me saying, “Martina, what can we get you?” that it never occurred to me to look after other people.
I had a couple of one-year relationships and a few that lasted two years, but I was always struggling. I was with Judy Nelson [who sued Martina for palimony in 1991] for seven years and I thought it would be for life, then it just blew up. She thought I’d come back, and when I didn’t she called the lawyers. It wasn’t just about money, it was about anger and rejection. The effect on me was almost suffocating. I couldn’t eat or sleep; I was a basket case. Having been through that, I appreciate what I have with my partner now, because this time I know it’s for life. We’re together for the good times and the bad. I’m hitting menopause now and that’s not fun. I’ve always had terrible PMS and I was beginning to feel I was PMSing all the time. My honey kept going: “You’re overreacting.” And I was like: “What are you talking about?” I was cussing up a storm, but in the end I had to admit I needed some help.
My relationship is great because of where I am in my life. I wouldn’t have been able to handle this in my twenties.
I wasn’t grown-up enough. You need to have your shit together to have a great relationship, and feelings of love and vulnerability have to be mutual. It’s scary as hell for me to put my life in another’s hands, but then she does that for me too. Gay marriage isn’t legal in the States — I don’t think George Bush has ever even said the word “lesbian” — but we’ve talked about having a child. Gays and lesbians tend to try to get everything in place before taking that step, which means it never feels like the right time. Right now we have a bunch of cats and 18 dogs, all kinds of mutts and mongrels and misfits, some without legs, some without eyes. I could never have fallen in love with someone who wasn’t crazy about dogs. My honey has rescued over 300 dogs and cats, and that was the mutual passion that drew us together. The only rule is that they sleep in kennels at night, so our bed is under control.
Advertisement
I still find myself busier than I should be, but nowadays I’m much more likely to put on a DVD and watch a movie. When I picked up a racket again in 1999 I found I didn’t want to put it down, but I’ve realised that I can now be who I am without measuring myself against someone else. I strive for excellence rather than perfection now. Ageing is about deterioration, but it’s also about how you stem the tide, and I think I’ve stemmed it pretty well.
Shape Your Self (Time Warner Books), by Martina Navratilova, is out now