When Daniel Ayala’s perfectly good “goal” hit the back of the net for Middlesbrough at St Andrew’s on Friday night, I was up and off, my sister’s dog ran for cover, my two nieces, who had been parked on my lap, scattered to the four winds.
It was at least a couple of minutes before Uncle Mark settled down and noticed that the score in the top left-hand corner of the screen was stuck at 2-2. Everybody else’s attention had been focused on the demonic lunatic doing laps of the kitchen, but with one sweep of the flag from Tom Nield, the assistant referee, the Sky Bet Championship’s promotion race had taken another turn.
This is not an attack on Nield. I don’t care how out of sorts I am with my fellow Middlesbrough fans, how miserable a week I am going to spend if Burnley and Brighton & Hove Albion do the business against Queens Park Rangers and Derby County today, that if we mess up in the play-offs again, this time it will cost us a minimum of £100 million.
Well actually, of course I do, but I can’t blame Nield. I’ve spent a lot of time with Football League match officials over the years, a miniscule fraction of us could do their job. I’m not talking about watching every incident back in triplicate before play has restarted, but calling your decision in real time, on the spot.
To those of you who got this one right first time (and to be clear I wouldn’t have done the dance of the seven veils unless a legitimate goal was my instinct) then do it every time, in every game you watch, you will get many more decisions wrong than you get right.
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I am no big fan of the Football League having quite so many of their eggs in the Sky organisation’s basket — its headline sponsorship, main television deal and recently launched mobile apps. To have such a huge percentage of its revenue reliant on one source leaves it glaringly vulnerable. But it has to be said that this season’s TV coverage has been exceptional.
If anything, the pulling forward and pushing back of matches for transmission, has added extra drama to the title race. Three weeks ago, Burnley, after playing in the lunchtime kick-off, were four points clear of Middlesbrough, who then played three times in a row before Burnley kicked a ball, to find themselves five points clear.
With my work commitments elsewhere, I pick and choose what I watch, but when I do watch it, Sky Sports’s forensic analysis of every last trim of the nasal hair of Aitor Karanka, below, has certainly broadened my football education.
The same phrase Ian Holloway, Sky’s main pundit this season, used to describe his year away from management working for the organisation, when I spoke to him this week.
Despite my allegiance, if this is to be Sean Dyche’s day (if Brighton drop points and Burnley win, then Burnley are up because Middlesbrough and Brighton play each other in the final game on Saturday) then it is richly deserved. Record profits, a state-of-the-art new training ground and two promotions to the top flight would establish him comfortably in the pantheon of the club’s greats.
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Meanwhile, if my team are to be dumped into the play-offs for a second year in succession, Chris Hughton’s dignity and calm hand in guiding Brighton through the aftermath of the Shoreham air disaster and their Christmas blip, after the end of their 21-match unbeaten start to the season, would make him a worthy victor.
● Mark Clemmit is the features reporter on BBC One’s Football Focus, rounds up the Football League on BBC One’s Final Score, presents BT Sport’s coverage of the Vanarama National League and is a regular voice on BBC Radio 5 Live