Bright pink roses and candles, windows illuminated in neon pink, gaudy purple curtains and lilac-tinted walls - the dining room at the Mandeville Hotel left me feeling just a little queasy.
The Mandeville’s website described it as a “sophisticated and stylish environment in ever-fashionable Marylebone Village”. As if to prove this, a strikingly tall, thin, sophisticated-looking woman with cropped blonde hair was discussing a fashion shoot at a nearby location.
“Oh, my God, did she perform!” the woman exclaimed. “She always does. She’s marvellous!” A male companion with a dishevelled haircut that probably cost more than my shoes replied: “Darling, you’re sooo right!”
Meanwhile, a very camp, very loud American was telling enrapt friends that he had lost five pounds in the past week: “Now I don’t have any fat on me at all!” He screamed with laughter - losing a few hotel sophistication points as he did.
The Mandeville opened quietly three years ago, but is firmly established on London’s fashion map: its bar even serves afternoon “Pink Tea” with ros? champagne in honour of the punk fashion queen Zandra Rhodes... and her pink hair.
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It was that kind of place. The style, created by the London-based interior designer Stephen Ryan, was wacky and in your face, with bold Regency wallpaper prints, red leather sofas, endless orchids, lots of mirrors, pieces of abstract art, and strange paintings in elaborate acrylic frames of Queen Elizabeth wearing zany make-up. Vogue has described the overall look as “Baroque and Roll”.
It took a bit of getting used to. In the pinked-up restaurant, we watched the fashionistas come and go. Like the decorations, the food looked exquisite, in a fashionably exquisite way. “Langoustine ravioli with a wild mushroom foam and coriander oil” for me (£19.25), and “beetroot tarte-tatin with braised chicory” (£15) for my friend Anna, who considered her dish “a little bland” - as was mine.
Bedrooms were not as “sophisticated and stylish” as downstairs. Mine had an oriental theme (pictures of pagodas and bamboo-effect wallpaper), and was, frankly, best suited in size to people from that region. Within 90 seconds I totally destroyed the feng shui by scattering stuff about. And I have never laid eyes on such a small double bed.
But never mind, I thought. If staying in a hotel is about having an experience, the Mandeville delivers... even if it does leave you seeing pink.
Bottom line: Mystery Guest paid £149 for a double.
Sampling the fare: Three courses cost £108 with wine.
Best thing: People watching.
Worst thing: Just a tad pretentious, perhaps?
Need to know Mandeville Hotel, Mandeville Place, London, W1U 2BE (020-7935 5599,www.mandeville.co.uk)
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Room: 5.5 out of 10
Food: 6.5 out of 10
Service: 9 out of 10
Value: 6 out of 10
Score: 6.75
Put to the test
20 Mystery Guest questions for... The Mandeville Hotel
1 Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?
No
2 Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?
A hand-held dryer is supplied
3 Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?
Removable wooden and padded hangers
4 Complimentary bottle of water?
No
5 Sheets and blankets or duvets?
Sheet with duvets, also blankets in wardrobes
6 What about a ‘pillow menu’?
No, but hypoallergenic pillows on request
7 Is lighting good enough for reading?
Yes
8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?
Yes, well lit
9 What about the in-room entertainment system?
TVs are standard. DVD and iPod docking stations on request
10 Is there a temperature control panel?
Yes
11 Do the windows open?
Yes
12 Is there good sound-proofing?
Reasonable - could hear some traffic noise
13 Is there wi-fi internet access?
Yes, complimentary
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14 Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?
Yes, Regent’s Park is close
15 What is the vegetarian food selection like?
There were two vegetarian starters and three mains when Mystery Guest stayed - chefs will take special requests
16 Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?
No baby listening/babysitting. Children are welcome but people are requested to “be sensitive to other diners”
17 Is there wheelchair access to all areas?
Yes
18 Do you get a free paper in the morning?
No
19 Is there a pub round the corner?
Several - the Conduit of Tybourne is one of the closest
20 Is there free car parking? And is it secure?
No, but there is a 25 per cent discount at a nearby NCP car park