It’s official: Nick Clegg is suffering from his very own syndrome. I believe dictionaries are introducing a new word — Cleggophobia: the fear of anything actually happening.
As I watched him procrastinate and fulminate simultaneously at Deputy Prime Minister’s Questions, it struck me that Mr Clegg has finally found something that he is truly brilliant at.
Admittedly he is quite good at nodding at the PM. And there’s his other new talent for travelling to Brazil, the land of carnival, right (business class, with a night at the Copacabana Palace: remember, we’re all in this together). But I believe that only now has he found his true forte: doing nothing well.
It seems there are two trays on his desk: one marked “long grass”, another marked “even longer grass”. He is, in golfing terms, a man who is never allowed on the fairway. This suits him just fine. The Tories like it too, for they hate Lords reform. A Tory said that she admired his “ambition” to hold elections to the Upper House by 2015, before adding that surely he was a silly billy (I paraphrase). “Ambition is clearly intended as faint praise,” burbled Mr Clegg, “and I will take it in that spirit!”
Penny Mordaunt, one of the new Tories with great hair, said that the “elegance” of our unwritten constitution allowed it to adapt to meet a pressing need. But change for change’s sake in the Lords might be seen as constitutional vandalism. What did he think? Mr Clegg, panic rising, began to babble so expertly that brooks are going to organise a masterclass with him: “Well, I don’t think it’s a new need. In that sense it’s not a pressing need. It’s an enduring need!” Ah yes, an enduring need. That means that nothing has ever happened and never will.
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There was another ghastly moment when an MP — a Lib Dem no less — suggested he might want to “make haste” on Lords reform. “What we aspire to do is to create a reform that, whilst evolutionary in its implementation, wouldn’t be overnight . . .” murmured Mr Clegg, soothing himself as he spoke. Alan Reid, another dastardly Lib Dem, noted that talks with Commonwealth governments to reform the rules for succession to the Crown seemed to be dragging on. “What are you doing to ensure these come to a speedy end?” he wondered. Panic stations! Nick babbled about the need for consultations. “That is not a very rapid process,” he announced, relief flooding (sorry, brooks) over him.
Eleanor Laing, a Tory MP and almost permanently irritated at someone, said that this sounded like an excuse for inaction. As Mr Clegg began to explain why it was exactly that, a Labour MP heckled him and he snapped: “You say, ‘Do something about it’! You can’t just do something about it! No! I accept totally that it seems a little anachronistic that there are rules of succession in place which appear to discriminate against women and that clearly should be looked at . . .”
The crowd was baying. Mr Clegg was caught between a belief and a hard place. “But!” he cried, “it affects other governments as well. It would be wrong to act with haste!”
Was that a cold sweat on his upper lip? I tell you, Cleggophobia is no joke.