Sven-Göran Eriksson has opened his heart to Tord Grip, his assistant, in the wake of tabloid revelations about meetings with bogus sheikhs . . .
From: sven@fa.org
To: tord@fa.org
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Subject: goat
What a terrible week I am having. Is bad enough turning TV on every night to see one of my lovely ladies in some show with people in a grubby jail for many weeks. But there is Miss Faria Alam in this Big Brother, flirting with a Scottish man called George, and it is disgusting to see this beautiful young woman with balding, middle-aged goat. Then I am in the English newspapers for telling this Arab prince I will manage Aston Villa for one million pounds a week.
From: tord@fa.org
To: sven@fa.org
Subject: silly
You have been a very silly boy, Svennis. How are you not knowing that this Sheikh Yabooti was a fake? Do you think just because a man with a suntan is wearing flowing robes and a head-dress, he is a sultan?
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From: sven@fa.org
To: tord@fa.org
Subject: robes
When I see a man with a suntan wearing flowing robes and a head-dress, is usually David Beckham.
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From: tord@fa.org
To: sven@fa.org
Subject: blame
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I blame your agent for getting you into this. Stupid Athole.
From: sven@fa.org
To: tord@fa.org
Subject: language
There is no need for this bad language, Tord.
From: tord@fa.org
To: sven@fa.org
Subject: trap
And I am surprised Nancy let you fall into the trap.
From: sven@fa.org
To: tord@fa.org
Subject: early
Nancy did not know about it. The sheikh said that as well as all my money, he would throw in a camel for Nancy. It seemed like a fair swap to me. Between you and me, there have been complaints about, ah, lack of penetration in the final third. Nancy is saying is just like when I go to see the Premiership football — is exciting enough while it lasts, but always I am leaving ten minutes before the end.
From: tord@fa.org
To: sven@fa.org
Subject: later
Be more careful in future, Svennis. And remember — we have that lunch in Birmingham tomorrow with the Asian businessman. I am sure it will be all right this time. We simply go to the hotel and ask for Emir Heskey.
From: sven@fa.org
To: tord@fa.org
Subject: soapy
Must go now Tord, to watch end of Big Brother. Faria is fooling around in the kitchen with soapy water and some rubber gloves. Until tomorrow . . .