Q: I’m in my mid-thirties and I know my girlfriend of a year would like to settle down and get married. But the thought that I will never have sex with anyone else again troubles me. I love my girlfriend, but I would take my marriage vows seriously and I’m scared I’ll regret committing to one person for the rest of my life.
A: I’m glad you’re taking the time to think about what your vows mean. Getting married is wonderful, but many of us are unwilling to acknowledge that long-term monogamy is difficult. And with more than half of all marriages experiencing infidelity, it’s time we were more realistic about commitment.
We’re quick to label others (especially men) “commitment-phobes”, but lots of us have trouble acknowledging that commitment is a huge, well, commitment. You lose out on the chance to have another first date, another first kiss, another first roll in the sack, or that wonderful experience of falling in love. If you don’t acknowledge that those losses are part of the deal, you’re more likely to commit infidelity.
Your challenge comes in deciding if it goes further than that. For some, acknowledging the loss that accompanies commitment is enough. Being monogamous may be a challenge, but it’s one they’re willing to take on. For you, being honest with yourself about what commitment means may not be enough.
The pleasure’s all yours
You don’t say whether you’re sexually experienced; if you have plenty of notches on your bedpost, you’re less likely to feel regret about committing to one person for the rest of your life. But if you still feel the need to play the field, then what you’re feeling right now may be the gut feeling that this just isn’t the right relationship or the right timing for you.
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I found myself rereading your line about being scared that you’ll regret the decision. If you’re truly concerned that you’ll end up feeling like you made the wrong choice, it’s a sign you shouldn’t make that choice in the first place. Ask yourself this question: “Do these doubts feel like a normal part of the commitment process, or do they feel like a sign that marriage isn’t the right decision for me right now?”
Family Therapy: how to deal with digital overload
1. Create tech-free zones
Establish rules such as no phones, tablets or computers allowed at meals, and try a weekly tech-free games night with board games.
Dr Nerina Ramlakhan, author of Tired but Wired
2. Don’t take devices to bed
The problem with smartphones and tablets is that when you’re looking at them, you’re not looking at your partner. Both partners should agree to leave devices downstairs.
Andrew G Marshall, marital therapist
3. Set a digital routine
Make 2pm iPad time for the young, then put it away. Give older children a set amount of time online. Make an adult schedule: check emails twice a day, a half-hour for Facebook.
Graham Jones, digital psychologist
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