The Empire of Mandelsonia, as it is being called, continues to be the only topic of conversation at Westminster. The Empire was created a week ago, in the bunker of Number 10, but yesterday was the first time that MPs (who are the equivalent of serfs in the Empire) were allowed to ask questions officially.
The Empire, a feudal state that exists within our democracy, is ruled over by the eponymous Lord Mandelson, whose title is now 34 words long and whose reputation only grows and not in a good way. “It would be no surprise to wake up in the morning and find he’d become an archbishop,” noted William Hague.
Was that envy in his voice? Mr Hague said Lord Mandy was one of the most powerful unelected deputies since Henry VIII appointed Cardinal Wolsey though, he noted, the Cardinal was “more sensitive in his handling of colleagues”. (I’m not sure this is accurate: did they have “colleagues” in the Tudor Age?) Mandy will chuckle at that. He’s known Wolsey from way back. Like the Wizard of Oz (another mentor), Mandy operates from behind a veil. Serfs cannot question him directly but only through Pat McFadden, newly appointed Chief Serf to the Empire.
Mandelsonia operates out of a front operation known as the Department of Business, Innovation and Skills, with the irritating acronym of DBIS. Thus yesterday’s questions to DBIS rather resembled a session with the Ouija board as serfs tried to contact the Master through Pat, whose cadaverous looks and dry manner bring to mind the demeanour of an undertaker. He seemed an unpromising ventriloquist’s dummy.
Kenneth Clarke, so jolly and roly-poly that he may also hark from Tudor times, congratuled Pat on his elevation. He said Mandy’s “amazing, ever-expanding empire” now stretched from space to defence sales to universities. “No doubt Lord Mandelson has other territorial ambitions in mind!”
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Pat’s face did not move. Mr Clarke asked when the serfs would be allowed to peruse Lord Mandy’s legislation to part privatise the Royal Mail. “He knows and I know that this is the acid test of whether this lame duck Government is any longer capable of delivering any difficult decision!”
Pat’s mouth began to move, though somewhat mechanically. “Don’t be silly,” he said or something like that (when quoting ventriloquists it is normal to paraphrase). Then he added: “We remain committed to the legislation, which will be brought forward.” Ahhhh. I recognise that voice. Oblique. Vague. Definitive. The Master was, indeed, with us.
A tide of serfs jumped up to moan that Mandy and five of his ministers operated from “Another Place”. The Ouija board was silent.
A very brave Labour pleb raised the subject of Sir Alan Sugar. What was the point of his appointment? The serfs roared at his name. Pat, voice jerky, said Suralan was one of Britain’s most respected entrepreneurs and that he was going to be an adviser, not a minister.
Now he came over all prim. “While we draw on the best talent available, others are indulging in parlour games about peers and personalities.” Parlour games? I think not. Everyone knows that the Empire always strikes back.