Dear Bel,
Married for five years, we were together almost ten. Three years ago I gave up my long-term home, the job I’d had for 22 years and a large, extended family to move to a place 2½ hours away so that my husband could pursue his career as a hospital consultant. My mother became very ill with dementia and I took some responsibility for her care. That, coupled with the stresses of a new and demanding career, had a detrimental effect on my relationship with my husband.
He became very judgmental of me and pursued his own interests: mountain climbing, mountain rescue and skiing. Last July I discovered he was becoming increasingly involved with another (married) woman, mostly through text and e-mail. They were both registered on a training course. I sent my husband away with a letter outlining what I knew and how I felt. We had already discussed our difficulties and agreed to move forward. On the night before he left we had a marvellous meal out and he left me a card saying how much he loved me, describing all the things we would be doing in our future together.
Halfway through the week the usually loving texts changed totally. He told me he no longer loved me as he used to. On the Sunday he told me he was having an affair, and either I should leave or he would. I could not afford the house, or the thought of being alone, and five days later left the lovely home I had worked tremendously hard to create — with our two lovely dogs (he didn’t want them), few possessions and no self-esteem. We have no children — although early in our relationship I had raised my lifelong desire and my husband had been emphatic that he did not want them. Unsurprisingly his new love is 30, so they have every chance of happiness in this respect.
At 47 I am now living with my infinitely kind and supportive father. To support myself I travel to work for more than two hours each way. What hurts most is that just after I left, my husband had a new bed delivered (although there are six others in the house), and the next day his new woman was happily ensconced in my home. I cannot believe that someone who abhorred extramarital relationships (because of childhood experience) and who professed to love me could act so callously. The holidays that they have taken in sunny places (while I live on borrowed money) have just added to my hurt and disbelief. I find my anger hard to manage — he has all he wants and has wrapped himself in a bubble so the truth can’t reach him. Some friends and family have been marvellous, but I find that I cannot trust anyone and feel that I never will be able to again — constantly feeling there is no point to this life if it is all lies and betrayal, with nothing positive to look forward to. Any advice?
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Christina
You have every right to be very, very angry. It may be no consolation, but you should know that at this moment thousands of readers of this page (both sexes) are feeling angry for you and with you. It’s a small positive thing — that the world is on your side, even though it may not seem like it at the moment. You have been treated very badly, and the knowledge that it is just how men (and women) behave when in the grip of a new passion does not justify it one jot. What we have to do now is channel that anger — working out a strategy to stop you feeling like a victim. To stop being one will be a step towards making your errant husband realise that there is a price to pay for his besotted bubble.
To begin with the basics, I am assuming (because you do not mention it) that you have done nothing to find yourself a really good divorce lawyer who will take your case by the scruff and give it a good shaking. Are you not entitled to 50 per cent of the value of the large marital home and all other assets? I can see why you left, but I wish you had stayed and kicked him out instead (you could have taken a lodger — anything to buy some time) because I am afraid your husband will try to argue that you left him. Still, it is done, and I am confident that a good solicitor will be able to sort this out. Perhaps, since you are so busy working, your dear father could help to research the best firm in the area. He must be deeply upset on your behalf, and might be helped by being pro-active. Why should you struggle? You need to get some money out of this man — soonest. I see no harm in your indulging in a few vengeful feelings (at times we all need to stick a few metaphorical pins in the effigy . . .) but in any case a fair financial settlement is your right. That “truth” will reach him.
It worries me that you are driving all these miles each day while eaten up with grief and rage. It must affect your concentration.The strain that you are under is terrible; it cannot be helped by the bitter knowledge that all this travelling is caused by your supportive decision to help your husband’s career. Is there any possibility of going back to your old employers (where you’d worked for 22 years) to see if there is anything there? It would be so much better if you could find work back on your old home territory. The effort of starting this search will itself be good for you. When you have had such a shock the important thing is to promise yourself: “I am not going to go on feeling like this” — and so make any moves possible to take control. You didn’t want to be in the area where you are working, and it must be made worse by knowing he is not far away in his hospital, and in your lovely house with Madam. You don’t need that extra punishment.
My third piece of advice is that you seek counselling, even if after a few sessions you decide it’s not for you. It would be worth the (relatively small) cost to sit with a qualified person to whom you can pour out all your rage and hurt to start to find a way through. Friends and relatives are not the best recipients of this.
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If you visit the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website (www.bacp.co.uk), you will see how to find a therapist in your area. Do it. It won’t do you any harm and may do untold good.
It’s vital for you to take steps — literally, as you have to force yourself to get up and put one foot in front of the other — which take you towards a belief in the future. Getting a solicitor, job-hunting, seeking a therapist, planning what you will buy when you get your money (you need a garden for those dogs) . . . all this will help to counter your negative feelings. You could visit the useful website www.ondivorce.co.uk for ideas across a whole range of issues, and then sit down with a fresh notebook to make a plan of where you intend to be in six months’ time.
When someone you loved hurts you so much the shock is dreadful — and I use that word deliberately since dread does indeed fill you up, as you think you are unworthy of love, and that life can never be good again. You need to know that it can. Human beings have an astonishing capacity for kindness and love, and the proofs come in every day, countering the painful opposites. Don’t mistrust the world because of one man. You have endured a great loss (though not the greatest) but if you allow it to deprive you of faith in the point of life you will be awarding your husband and his mistress the ultimate victory. Please don’t do that. Instead, be defiant — and as you take those dogs for long therapeutic walks, shout to the wind that you will reconstruct your life, despite him.
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Detail such as your age is helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.