1:35min We see a young boy totter down a seaside pier in high heels. “That’s how I walk,” says Lady Lloyd. “Yeah, me too . . . when I’m really drunk,” adds Ryan Styles. “But that’s how I started — nicking my Mum’s high heels. I thought they were soooo glamorous.”
11:25min The shoe factory owner Charlie Price (Joel Edgerton) is in the West End of London and spots a “lady” in high red boots being chased down a side street by a gang of men. “Ooooo! Here comes a tranny,” howls Lady Lloyd.
13:48min Charlie comes to aid Lola (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Lola kicks out and breaks a high heel. “See,” says Ryan. “Never wear cheap shoes.”
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17:20min Lola takes Charlie back to her dressing room, where he discovers not only that she is a he but also the headline act in a Soho drag review. “That’s the same club where we do Tranny Shack,” laughs Lady Lloyd. “But she’s bloody awful, she looks like a bricklayer.”
18:05min The camera pans around the room. The crowd is full of real-life drag queens. “I know all of these girls,” says Lady Lloyd. “Oh look there’s Trudy,” cackles Penny Black, “looking like a right old boot.”
24:05min After the show Charlie, Lola and factory girl Lauren (Sarah-Jane Potts) drink tea in a Soho café. “That is ridiculous,” chides Lady Lloyd. “What tranny today would go and drink tea after a show? We all go out and party.”
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29:52min Charlie has gone back to his factory and made Lola a pair of boots with short heels. “Daywear,” cries Penny Black.
37:48min Lola has come to the factory in drag to design a tranny range of shoes. One of the workers, Don (Nick Frost), is smitten. “Don’t tell me he thinks that that is a WOMAN!” shrieks Ryan Styles. “Oh well,” says Lady Lloyd, “there’s hope for me yet.”
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61:21min Lola has challenged Don to an arm wrestling match in a local pub. “That happens every week in Tranny Shack,” admits Lady Lloyd.
62:35min Lola lets Don win. “Oh my God, a tranny would never let him win,” shouts Lady Lloyd. “Trannies are evil and nasty.” “But, darling, we are all so lovely,” protests Princess Julia (who is a female judge of transvestite competitons).
69:53min For the third time the Tannoy system is left on accidentally so that the workers can hear Charlie’s private conversation. “Not that old chestnut again,” laughs Penny Black. “Whoever wrote this is a moron and thinks we are, too.”
79:16min Lola turns up to meet Charlie at a restaurant wearing a sparkly dress and a choker. “The choker has to go,” says Julia as the others fall off their chairs in hysterics. “And he looks like a boxer in fancy dress.”
90:00min Lola and Charlie fall out. Charlie goes to Milan for the big fashion show and his team of tranny models, as led by Lola, are a no-show. Charlie decides to model himself in red high-heeled, thigh-high boots and a shirt and tie, walks on to the catwalk and falls. Lola turns up, having flown in from London. “Aaargh! No! Stop it!” screams a squirming Lady Lloyd. “This is total tosh.”
91:05min Lola breaks into song and a gaggle of dolled-up trannies take to the stage. “Lovely Lola,” says Julia. “Nice tranny.”
93:40min Lola asks Lauren up on the stage and she and Charlie kiss. “Even the love story is drivel,” says Lady Lloyd.
Verdict
“I can’t think of anybody who would like that,” says Lady Lloyd. “It was so bad and so unrealistic that it was embarrassing.” “I want to know who would buy that,” says Julia. “Never mind that,” chides Ryan. “All I want to know is who on this planet could sit through it more than once? I wouldn’t want to meet them.”
Kinky Boots is out to buy on DVD. Tranny Shack is at 11 Walkers Court, London W1, every Wednesday, 10pm till very late (020-7734 0377).
Next week: Rescue Me