NEWCASTLE UNITED HAVE RECEIVED A record fine from Footcomm, the football regulator, for failing to post sufficient points over the past year. Footcomm said that the club were guilty of “serious breaches” of their licence to satisfy the public in the North East.
In its investigation, Footcomm found that Newcastle had not delivered a trophy to their customers since 1969. It added that, although the club had dispensed with Postman Pat Kluivert — who had been opening mail containing £67,000 each week despite having little moral claim to it — they were still underperforming. The failure to ensure the safe arrival of the league title since 1927 was a disgrace, given the frequent complaints made.
Footcomm discovered that Newcastle staff were not properly vetted before being employed and that this had compromised the delivery of victories. “They paid £16 million for an injury-prone employee, £13 million for a pair of centre backs who do not appear to have had even the most basic training and millions more on people whose CVs showed they would be unsuitable because of a tendency to commit violence or disrupt the workplace,” a spokesman said.
Video surveillance carried out by Sky has uncovered countless examples of points being lost at St James’ Park and has helped to root out one troublesome senior employee. “The pictures show a company manager, Graeme Souness, supposedly working in his office but in fact tampering with the team,” the Footcomm spokesman said. “On one occasion he can be seen arranging to pay £9.5 million to acquire a Spanish worker called Albert Luque who has barely been heard of since. Souness was also guilty of not tightening security. Anyone could walk straight through his defence.”
Newcastle insisted that they were working tirelessly for their customers. “We have always tried to be innovative,” a spokesman said. “For example, we brought out the Alan Shearer stamp, which depicts Neil Lennon being kicked in the head.”