We’re in New Jersey, at the Intergroom international grooming conference, one of the most fiercely contested competitive grooming events in the world. In one corner of the vast conference centre, several poodles vie for the same rosette, each dog waiting obediently for the chance to impress. One has been groomed and dyed green, yellow and orange to resemble a monster from the Super Mario Bros video game. Another exhibits an “under the sea” theme, the owner wearing a snorkel and smiling at the audience as she strokes her dog’s aquamarine fur. A third is introduced as the “Wild Wild West poodle”. It is covered in cactus, buffalo and cowboy motifs. The owner wears a stetson hat and, standing beside her charge, performs a song she wrote (it’s about dog grooming).
If Crufts — with its emphasis on breeding, poise and obedience — is Downton Abbey, the world of competitive dog grooming is Dallas. It’s not that there isn’t just as much drama or passion, it’s that, well . . . most of the dogs look totally ridiculous. It’s brash, camp and loud on every level. It is also an increasingly popular pursuit among dog owners, not just in the US but around the world. The reason? The internet. Facebook. Instagram. People start to share photographs of pets groomed in this way and other owners think: “I can do that!” or, perhaps “I could do better!”. They meet. They compete.
Demographically those involved are mostly women in their middle years. Backstage, rows of powder-puff bichon frises sit patiently as their owners attend them with steely focus. A roving reporter for the internet TV channel GroomerTV thrusts his microphone in owners’ faces. He is not exactly Clare Balding, although no less enthusiastic. “How did you get his coat so white?” he gasps. “So straight?” Dozens of stalls sell specialist products: EZ-Groom pet shampoos, slicker brushes, “designer” bows, coloured chalks, electric clippers, glitter gels, “Fancy Finish” hair ribbons, specialist scissors and more. Bleaching is forbidden and none of the elaborate designs can impede the dog’s movement. One woman describes how she fixed rhinestones to her pet’s ears with a non-toxic adhesive. In other words, there’s no harm done. Unless you’re a doggie psychiatrist.
Back with the poodles, and the judges have decided the Wild West theme is the winner. The owner holds up the giant rosette and gives a loud cowboy’s “Yee-haw!”. There is warm applause. The dog, I have to say, doesn’t seem too bothered.