My godson is aged 7. His parents work full time and his main carer is his 70-year-old grandmother. She finds him very demanding and tends to park him in front of the TV. I take him out every Sunday. I try to take him to places that will interest him but, unless there are buttons to press and screens to watch, he doesn’t want to know. We have bought him a slide, a climbing wall, a trampoline and a swing but, after he has played with them for ten minutes, he forgets them. He has been going to toddler swim with me for five years, but still can’t swim and prefers to lurk in the toddler pool playing with toys.
He has problems relating socially to his classmates: his teacher says that he is continually “in the face” of older children and eventually they push him away. He then complains that he is being bullied. He has some irritating mannerisms. He will not walk properly with an adult. He shuffles, skips, swings on adults’ hands and climbs on walls. He bangs his fists and even his head on walls. He waves his hands in circles. He likes to buy trinkets in shops, mostly keyrings that he waves wildly around in circles. His parents are not concerned about any of this behaviour. Am I wrong to be worried?
— Dawn
You are in a difficult position being the worried godmother of a little boy whose parents are seemingly unconcerned about him. You also ask a very difficult question to be answered via this column.
The way you describe your godson highlights behaviour, which – if they exist as you describe – could warrant further investigation. It is difficult for me to be clear about the accuracy of your descriptions. However, your concern could be part of the problem. When we become anxious that a problem exists we tend to become hyper-vigilant to the signs and symptoms and our perception can become negatively skewed. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where the child begins to behave in line with our expectation because of the subtle, or not so subtle, responses we give him or her. I am by no means minimising what is clearly worrying you, but I speak from experience – often “problem” children are problems seen, created and reinforced by the adults around them.
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However, two possibilities strike me. First, I wonder whether your godson is a terribly understimulated child who has such a restricted diet of activities, which predominantly centre on watching TV, that he is developing real difficulties interacting with the world. His lack of engagement in physical activities may be underpinned by poorly developed motor skills and a lack of physical stamina. His engagement with buttons and images on a screen clearly links to the possibility that his concentration and attention have been built around television, where images move quickly and entertainment comes in bite-size chunks. This points to the fact that he needs increased and varied stimulation. Any child’s “activity diet” should be balanced and healthy in the same way his or her food diet should be.
My second point builds on this as I think about his social difficulties, his idiosyncratic behaviour and mannerisms, which you describe as “irritating”, and his other motor behaviours such as his erratic walking styles, his head-banging and his circular hand-waving. This behaviour could point to a developmental disorder that needs assessment, understanding and support so that he is not labelled as a problem child when he may be just a child with developmental problems. Some of what you describe falls within the autistic spectrum and, while I am reluctant to label any child, particularly via a newspaper column, I do think that this little boy needs a developmental assessment by your local child development team (a GP can make a referral).
I am not saying your godson is autistic, nor am I saying that children displaying the behaviour that you describe are autistic. However, the combination of features could fall within the autistic spectrum: the social difficulties, the solitary play, the problems with spontaneous play, the attraction to moving stimuli, the repetitive-fixated play with trinkets, and the more general repetitive self-stimulating movements. For further information and advice go to the website of the National Autistic Society: www.autism.org.uk.
With understanding and support, children on the autistic spectrum can function well and lead happy lives. However, your challenge is how to raise this issue with your friends, his parents. I would start with the basic principles and look at ways that your godson can enjoy a healthier and balanced diet of activities every day – eg, other forms of childcare to support grandmother, after-school clubs and activities. From there a more difficult conversation follows – if appropriate. The most important thing is that you are clear that whatever you say or do, however painful for the adults involved, is done only in the best interests of this little boy.