I’m in the south of Thailand, on the rural island of Koh Yao Noi, sitting at the top of an eight-metre water slide wiggling on my rubber mat with a Dr Evil smile on my face, muttering under my breath like Gollum: “It’s mine, all mine!”
I push myself off, first moving slowly but then whizzing round hairpin bends, swooping through tunnels and splashing into the plunge pool with a shriek that can probably be heard in Bangkok. Immediately I grab my mat and follow my equally giggly friends up the stairs for another go. Then I go again. And again.
This may not be the most sophisticated way of enjoying a holiday, but as a midlife mother it’s possibly the most fun I’ve had since I was in my teens. Best of all, because I’m staying at the Ani Private Resort this is exclusive fun, meaning we have the slide — which could pass as a Tate Modern installation but is decent, waterpark standard and discreetly tucked away among frangipani and aloe bushes — all to ourselves. There’s no queueing with hordes of children and no one to point and laugh (my friends being too kind) as I make my ungracious entry into the water, junking all dignity and subsequently having the time of my life.
Also, ours — and only ours — is the 43m infinity pool with its views of the limestone pillars that rise like green-roofed cathedrals over Phang Nga Bay, immortalised (as you’re constantly reminded) in The Man with the Golden Gun and Tomorrow Never Dies. I feel pretty Bond villain myself knowing there’s a restaurant where we can eat exactly what we want, when we want and always be guaranteed the best table. There’s even a spa where we can wander in any time for excellent massages; hardcore Thai, gentler aromatherapy and foot (this also turns out to be more or less full body, as I discover when I don’t bother disrobing) are just some options on the menu.
Welcome to the world of private resorts, bringing you all the facilities and staff of a platinum all-inclusive five-star hotel but just for you and, in the case of Ani Thailand, a maximum of 19 other family members and friends. All this plus a staff-to-guest ratio of more than one to one.
Advertisement
With three other hotels — in Anguilla, the Dominican Republic and Sri Lanka (the last two can accommodate up to 28 and 30 guests respectively, and yes, all except Anguilla have slides) — Ani is the first chain to pioneer this concept. It’s perfect for those who feel slightly limited by what even the swankiest villa can provide but also have embraced the post-Covid bubble mindset. After all, strangers — however upmarket (as The White Lotus drummed home) — can still be extremely bothersome. “It’s like turning left on a plane,” one Ani convert tells me. “Once you’ve gone private you never want to share hotel space with the masses again.”
Most Ani guests are either family groups or friends, here to celebrate a big birthday or anniversary or a smallish wedding, plus the odd corporate bash. At least one couple has bagsied the resort all to themselves — useful if, like my husband and me, you’re prone to spats about air-con levels, since there are nine other suites to storm off to in the middle of the night.
Learning Ani’s prices makes me feel as if I’ve just accidentally swallowed a chilli from the chef’s pad thai. This figure does include all meals and booze — and my goodness, the staff never stop topping up your glasses with Dom Pérignon. This may feel at odds with the current economic climate, but as far as value for your luxury pound goes, it certainly delivers. Your group also receives up to 10 spa treatments a day, eight hours childcare (endless activities are offered, from batik painting to cookery classes, but, frankly, plonk a minder at the bottom of the slide from dawn to dusk and the job’s done). Also included are transfers for one group to and from the nearest airports — Phuket (about an hour) and Krabi (90 minutes).
Where Ani really comes into its own, though, is with its included extra “experiences”. Every day brings forth a fresh surprise. One morning a parade of old-fashioned Vespas with drivers waits to ferry us in sidecars across this low-key, mainly Muslim island, past dense mangrove forest where monkeys play. We arrive at a stilted hut and are served a traditional Thai breakfast: kebabs of subtle dragonfruit, exuberant melon and grapes, sour-sweet prawns wrapped in banana leaves, pungent noodle soup and squidgy muffins, all with views of a silent emerald paddy field.
Another day there’s a boat ride to a nearby desert island for an elaborate picnic on the beach. On the return journey we stop at Monkey Island, where scores of macaques jump from the jagged edges, one couple breaking off, caught in flagrante, to swim around the boat (something I’d never seen before), diving neatly to snatch bananas chucked into the jade water by the captain.
Advertisement
Other activities include kayaking, paddleboarding and cycling. Then there’s pre-breakfast yoga and Thai boxing classes — although the video of me doing the latter in embroidered satin shorts (one of the many upmarket gifts from the resort) biffing the instructor’s gloves with all the vigour of an emaciated flea makes my teenagers cry with laughter, comparing me to the GC (Gen Z idol Gemma Collins, not renowned for her fitness and/or grace). Look, I hadn’t had my coffee yet and it was very hot, OK?
The resort’s standout feature is its chef, the Thai-born Kanawat Ladnuch, who previously worked for a Thai princess and the five-star Amanpuri Villas, and who skilfully prepares any cuisine imaginable. One lunch is Greek-themed, scoffed at a table in the shallow, shaded end of the swimming pool; for dinner there’s a sushi banquet. At night the staff set out a replica of a traditional night market on the lawn. The air is thick with the smell of shrimp paste, coriander and galangal as different stalls, laden with small mountains of spices, produce dishes to order in front of us, everything from squidgy dumplings to flaky roti stuffed with curry.
A pre-trip questionnaire figures out exactly what you’d like (or not like) to eat and do. You’d be daft not to enjoy the extras on offer but nothing’s compulsory, and spontaneous requests — a visit from a local pedicurist, a bike trip to visit a friend staying locally — are instantly accommodated. If you (OK, I) are mostly happy simply lazing on the cushioned sunloungers, laughing at the proles from the Six Senses resort next door (imagine — they have to share their facilities!) strolling on the alabaster beach below (all Thai beaches are public) and trying not to make it too obvious they’re wondering what small country I must have ransacked to have earned such exclusivity rights.
● The best destinations for winter you’ve never heard of
● The top family-friendly hotels in Thailand
Other lolling spots include the terrace of my ocean villa (these have the best views for Instagram, though pool villas have their own plunge pool); my bath that could double as a boat to ferry the entire resort back to the mainland or my bed (equally vast) where I can binge-watch Netflix and Apple TV (this causes some embarrassment when, having been called in to help me fathom the remote, the delightful manager insists on then setting it to the exact show I wanted to watch, meaning I have to lie and name an obscure Serbian series instead of the truth, which is Selling Sunset). All these treats are enhanced by small but hugely delightful touches such as having your washing delivered, tissue-wrapped, back to your room every night, meaning you return home with a suitcase of folded, laundered clothes.
Advertisement
Ani’s not for you if you want bright lights (although one guest who wanted to play golf was helicoptered every day to Phuket, leaving his wife and children to enjoy the slide). Sustainability-wise it could do much better — plastic water bottles are handed out constantly, although the bathroom’s ambrosial-smelling natural toiletries come in refillable bottles.
Yet the resort excels in connecting you to your surroundings: other extras include visiting a (very small-scale) rubber plantation and a fish farm working to breed and thereby boost fish stocks that doubles as an interactive aquarium where you can stroke rough-skinned parrotfish and hold weightless but spiky puffer fish in your hands. Most absorbing is the Ani Art Academy, established by the resorts’ founder, the philanthropist Tim Reynolds. After an accident in 2000 that rendered him paraplegic, Tim turned to art to distract himself from his pain. Inspired by the example of Michelangelo and Van Gogh, who he says were not born geniuses but “worked feverishly to hone their skills and their talent”, he resolved to give free visual-arts education to locals.
In the academy, a bearded 73-year-old man who had yearned to paint his entire life is methodically practising shading techniques while a teenage boy sketches the scaffolding of a complex still life. Visitors can commission students, for example to paint them a portrait from a photograph for about £160 — peanuts to an Ani customer but, as their enthusiastic, tattooed American teacher points out, “a life-changing amount” for Thais.
It’s a moving experience that puts Ani’s over-the-topness in perspective and makes you appreciate it even more. Back at the resort, cocktails are being shaken in the bar, a barbecue’s set up on the beach and the masseuses are pummelling. For me, of course, the slide beckons. My Dr Evil laugh is only silenced as I splash again into the pool.
Julia Llewellyn Smith was a guest of Ani Private Resorts, which offers all-inclusive stays for 12 from £11,484 per night (aniprivateresorts.com). Fly to Phuket
Three other ultra-luxe Thai resorts
Advertisement
1. Capella, Bangkok
Just ten minutes’ walk from the old town, all Capella’s 101 rooms have floor-to-ceiling windows with views onto the Chao Phraya River. The hotel’s villas have the same views but also gardens with private pools. A personal Capella Culturist is in touch prior to your arrival to discuss preferences and activities — including monk-guided meditations and a trip to Jay Fai, the Thai capital’s Michelin-starred street food joint. Capella’s Côte restaurant is headed by Mauro Colagreco, the Argentinian chef behind the three-Michelin-star Mirazur in Nice, and produces Mediterranean and Thai fusion dishes.
Details B&B doubles from £535 (capellahotels.com)
2. Four Seasons Tented Camp, Golden Triangle, Chiang Rai
With a 19th-century adventure safari theme, you arrive at this resort of 15 air-conditioned tents and one lodge (sleeps six) deep in the jungle near the Myanmar border by longtail boat. Interacting with the camp’s rehabilitated elephants — a bathing session and breakfast are standard — is the main draw, along with total seclusion.
Details Full-board doubles from £1,678 (fourseasons.com)
3. Iniala Beach House, Phuket
With 10 suites each designed by an internationally renowned designer (futuristic, boudoir and Buddhist are just some of the themes), this resort at Natai beach, just outside Phuket, was fully booked by the Kardashian clan in 2014. The largest, the three-bedroom Collectors’ Villa, is directly on the beach with its own pool, in-villa spa, dining salon and private cinema. Each villa has a manager, chef and spa therapist assigned individually.
Details All-inclusive doubles from £729 (inialathailand.com)
Sign up for our Times Travel newsletter and follow us on Instagram and Twitter
