Covid cases may be falling, but it looks as if the after-effects of lockdown will be with us for a while. This week it was reported that almost half of Britons have chosen to cut back on social contact for fear that they will subsequently be pinged and have to endure another frustrating period of self-isolation.
There are two ways to look at this. If you tend towards the more extroverted end of the spectrum, this is a woeful development, a sign that people have grown so risk-averse that they’re too scared to indulge their most basic social needs.
However, if you’re an introvert — and, really, all the best people are — then this is an incredible time to be alive. Make no mistake, we are living through the golden age of getting out of stuff. If you’re still not quite ready to face the world, here’s a handy guide to all your available excuses.
‘Sorry, got pinged’
On the surface, “Sorry, got pinged” is the greatest catch-all excuse of 2021. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is; you definitely cannot go because an app has told you to stay indoors. What if you ignored the ping and went, and accidentally breathed on some people, and became a notorious super-spreader in the process? You’d never be able to live with yourself.
Nevertheless, a level of caution is recommended. “Sorry, got pinged” only works if you are fully committed to staying indoors for an extended period of time. You cannot use it to skip a birthday party, for example, because what happens if the birthday girl sees you sitting outside a restaurant with some other friends the next day? Instant excommunication. World War Three. It simply isn’t worth the hassle.
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‘I’m getting married in a fortnight’
Now we move on to selective avoidance. This week’s report suggested that people are voluntarily self-isolating before big life events to prevent everything from being derailed by a stray ping at the last minute. The biggest of these events is arguably a wedding. You have potentially been postponing your nuptials again and again for 17 months by this point and, now that they finally look likely to go ahead, it makes sense for you to be as careful as possible.
Obviously, this one only works if you are actually getting married. True, you could always invent a wedding, and a partner, and a last-second jilting that leaves you weeping and broken for months to come. Yet on the other hand, that does seem quite an elaborate way of getting out of drinks with your cousin and his wife.
‘I’m visiting my parents soon’
A perfect storm of an excuse. You love your parents more than anyone else alive, but they are old and vulnerable, so you’re going to stay inside until you can see them for their sake. Again, though, everything has a downside and this is no exception. As soon as you mention your parents, a form of group competitiveness will automatically creep in.
You haven’t seen your folks since Christmas? Well I haven’t seen mine since last spring. And they were both wearing hazmat suits when I did. And they live on a remote farm on an island with no electricity, and rely on me to supply them with fresh water. If you can put up with this endless parental one-upmanship, go for it. If you can’t, try something else.
‘I need to buy a sofa’
Now, your mistake here is aiming too low. People will forgive you if you duck out of an engagement for a truly important reason, but they’ll be much harder to convince if your excuse doesn’t match up with the occasion you’re skipping.
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Maybe you really do need to buy a sofa — maybe your kids have spent the past year and a half trampolining it to death, and you’d rather visit a showroom, and you don’t want to get pinged beforehand — but that’s one hell of a hard sell.
You’d rather joylessly traipse around World of Leather than see your friends? Your lovely friends, who provided unyielding support throughout lockdown? You’re categorising them below some furniture? Really? Good luck with that.
‘My kid has a temperature’
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Your child is sick, but you don’t know if it’s Covid. They don’t have a phone, so they can’t be pinged. It’s the summer holiday, so there aren’t any official letters from school. You don’t want to give them a lateral flow test because last time you did they screamed so hard that your neighbours called the police. It’s a grey area, and you’d rather be safe than sorry, right? Only a monster would disagree.
‘I don’t really feel like it’
This is honesty, you idiot. The whole joy of the pingdemic is that we don’t have to be honest to people any more. What are you, some kind of psychopath?
