HAVING rather avidly written on the topic of lying, I have had occasion to do research into relationships and the evil that men do. I have often found that men lie not just on impulse or from years of breeding, but in an almost conscious attempt to feel something. Anything. This too has been programmed in us — to be essentially emotionless creatures — and deception occasionally gives us a visceral spark that reminds us that we still exist.
I’ll add an excerpt from a new story of mine to be published in the autumn:
“I think you’re just feeling guilty.”
“Yeah, that might be it, too. God, I don’t know . . .”
“And if that’s the case, then OK.I understand that, hell, I feel the same thing, every time I look at one of my kids and say how bad I feel about missing a soccer game or that kind of thing — I don’t really, I couldn’t care less about that crap, I hate soccer, actually — but I detest lying to them. The act of it.”
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“No, I agree. I’ve always disliked that part of this.”
“Not so much with my wife because, well, I’m not sure. She’s an adult, I suppose, and can fend for herself, or maybe I’m just so used to it, after doing it so often over so many years that it’s actually become not just natural but kind of comforting, in a way. It warms me a bit, to look into her eyes and deceive her.”
“Oh. Well, I hope that’s not true . . .”
“That sounds bad. No, I don’t mean that I relish it or look for opportunities to do it, of course not. It’s just that it’s become a kind of ritual between us, even if she’s not really in on it. It’s a form of closeness, actually. I mean, I wouldn’t lie to just anybody. I guess that’s what I’m saying . . .”
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Neil LaBute (author of In the Company of Men), Chicago
Get over yourselves
SURELY if we can learn one thing about modern sexual relations it is that women are quite aware of what (most) men are like and if they are not happy with the man they’re with they can always dump him for someone better. We all know that it suits men (more than women) to see things in rigid gender-specifc stereotypes because that way men feel as though they can control women.
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It has been clear, too, for some time that males need the company of females in order to be fulfilled, but the same does not apply in reverse. Secondary school exam results consistently attest that girls perform to a higher standard when boys are not around, but boys perform better in mixed-sex schools.
The same rules apply to relationships. Single women thrive while married women suffer with the weight of a million responsibilities. Thus many women of my age (27) are simply not interested in having a serious relationship with a man, and unless we start to witness a bit of journalistic balance, inter-gender relationships are never going to blossom in a healthy manner.
Not all men are liars and not all women are sitting at home crying about it.
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Lucy McCarthy,
address supplied
Only white ones
I FIND myself fairly offended by the tone of Vince Passaro’s piece. (T2, June 14). In 24 years of marriage I cannot remember lying to my wife more than 48 times in all!
The assumption that men lie as part of their male character is crass and more indicative of the type of company that the writer keeps than of deep insight into human behaviour. How many partners has the author been through?
My 48 lies? Birthdays and anniversaries — as in: “No, I haven’t a clue what to buy you this year”, while the present is already hidden away.
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Mike Whitehouse,
Durham
Pack instinct
FOR me, the answer lies with the analogy of the male dog. I have used it with my wife in explanation of why men would wish to live lives away from their women. We have the urge to explore, to go where no man has been before, but probably with others of like minds (men, generally). It explains why men want places to escape from women (sport, pubs and clubs) and shows quite clearly that we have our own sets of behaviour which are distinct but not necessarily a threat to women and their own.
The intriguing point (made beautifully in the article) is that we men accept this. Women don’t. It is curious that we men are made to feel guilty. I endlessly encourage my wife to enjoy her forays and leave me to mine. It never works.
Bruce Chadwick,
Taunton, Somerset
Suspicious minds
IF, AS Vince Passolo attests, lying is the natural state of affairs for men then this is probably because the natural state of many women is neurosis, paranoia and an Asberger’s-like memory for our failings.
Four or five of my relationships have begun with the intention of full disclosure and honesty. Each one ended in mutual distrust and deceit due to a woman’s suspicion. One partner was convinced, each time I looked at my mobile phone to check the time (I never wear a watch), that I was reading a text from another woman. The latest, when I missed an appointment after being assaulted in the street and having to attend a police station, said: “You’d rather get involved in a drunken brawl than spend time with me!”
When a woman inserts some other truth in place of the one you are giving her, she effectively creates a lie from thin air, while denying your integrity and devaluing the trust between you. Women’s unfounded fears make craters in the road of life, and I think many male lies are just well-meaning attempts to plug them.
Kai Steadman,
Putney, London