It wouldn’t have to be a big one. Just the sort of modest little package that could fix an aeroplane, for example, if it were to break down while I was in South Africa and stop me from getting back to London in time for a crucial vote on ID cards.
I’d make sure that it had a selection of those tiny screwdrivers, too, mind you, so that I could use it to tinker with Hilary Armstrong’s calculator when she tells me — quite wrongly — that she’s done the maths and I’m not needed, like she did the other week, before the religious hatred Bill, which I ended up missing as well.
Some people might be grateful to be stranded for an extra day in South Africa at this time of year. I think that I’d be able to accept that. It’s peak season, and from where I am, in Pretoria, I’d just about be able to squeeze in a round trip to the Kruger National Park before we set off this evening. See a lion, perhaps, or one of those dim little antelopes that always remind me of Geoff Hoon.
It’s just that if I did take a trip, I couldn’t help worrying that I might not come back. Not in time, anyway. A wheel might fall off my Jeep. Even if I had my new toolkit with me, we’d probably run out of petrol and I’d be stuck here for another day. Then I’d also miss the vote on the smoking ban, and Gordon would have to run the show for that one as well. People would start to wonder if there were any point to me at all.
I bet Gordon doesn’t go anywhere without a toolkit. In fact, if I were Tony Blair, I’d be starting to wonder if he’d been tinkering with my plane.