Q. I have finally met a guy that I really, really like. I am 33 and I genuinely thought it would never happen for me. The only problem is that, although I can have an orgasm by myself, I have never had one with a lover. I have faked it so far because I know that he wants to make me happy but I really would like to be honest with him. What do I do?
A. You are by no means the only woman in the world who has found herself in this situation. Last year, a large study interrogated the “orgasm gap” further and found that while 61 per cent of straight men had an orgasm every time they had sex, only 30 per cent of heterosexual women do; while 17 per cent of women said they rarely or never have an orgasm during sex at all. In another study, fewer than one in five said that intercourse alone was sufficient for them to reach climax. inequity is mainly down to the fact that men equate sex to penetration, but this doesn’t tend to stimulate the clitoris, the most sexually sensitive part of the female body. Most women find it easy to orgasm when they stimulate it themselves, but when you have sex with a partner, you ignore what you know about your own body and naively expect to achieve the same outcome by doing something completely different. It is really hard to make sexual demands, especially when you are in a new relationship. You want to present the best version of yourself and if you feel that there is something “wrong” about the way you reach orgasm, or you worry that it takes you too long to get aroused, the temptation to cut to the chase and make your partner happy by faking one is enormous. At the time I’m sure that it genuinely seemed like the best solution, but the trouble with this simple act is that it sets a precedent, and it makes it much harder to be honest in the future.
The good news is that, having interviewed hundreds of men about this particular topic, I can assure you that most would much prefer women to be upfront about what they like. Most men are eager to learn. Many enjoy being “tasked” with helping a woman to achieve her first orgasm with a man. I know that initiating the conversation might feel a little intimidating, but once you get the words out, your life and your sex life will change.
Initially, the challenge is to have an orgasm with him. Show him what you like alone and then let him try, on the understanding that he keeps going until you climax. If you feel very self-conscious, remember that the initial hurdle is psychological so if you can let go in your head, your body will follow suit. Once he can bring you to orgasm, experiment with integrating the same technique into foreplay so that you are fully aroused before intercourse. Experimenting with different positions that maximise stimulation will boost your chance of success.
The position that gives you the most control is on top, leaning forward. You may also want to try the coital alignment technique, a variation of the missionary position in which you move together in a rocking motion. Adopting this mixed-methods approach increases your chance of having an orgasm (specifically, to 92 per cent according to research). That’s your new year’s resolution sorted.
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