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Staying power: Arnie is back again (again) in Terminator 3, despite shots of him on the beach recently that revealed he’s no longer as hard as metal. And Mick Jagger turned 60 this week. The final whistle has blown, the game is over. Please, please, stop.
The Nineties revival: Pop puppet Mark Owen has released a new album, and Louise (remember her?) has returned with a vampish image. Where’s my Naff Naff jacket? Oh, now I remember, it’s not 1993 any more.
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Neon jewellery: Tacky fashion victims now ensure that their presence is felt in even the darkest corner. This glow-in-the-dark jewellery is everywhere. Buy silver or gold instead and please spare us.
Beach bums: Thanks to the nation’s salacious summer snappers, we have seen (most of) Sven and Nancy in Sweden, Lady V in the South of France and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson in Greece. Nothing in yet from Barbados, but we trust — thank you, Ms Caplin — that Cherie will be up to scratch.
Training heels: Posh has nearly toppled over twice this week, and it is only a matter of time before a gnarly Spanish cobble pulls her up. Can we suggest she try Birkenstock’s new glamour range? There are diamantés, frills and studded buckles, and with a twinkly little buenas tardes, the Madrid bouncers won’t know the difference.
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Innocence: Our children are growing up too fast because of Kylie’s bum, Britney’s belly and Christina Aguilera (just generally). On the other hand, the Fimbles, three naked, six-foot badger-men with fluorescent skin, are positively edifying.
Christian virtue: Even the C of E is “sexing up” now, with its report “Being Human: Power, Money, Sex and Time” telling us that nothing’s too rum these days.
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Grrrrrls: Naomi Campbell says she likes a man to wear the pants, and Kim Cattrall can’t find a date. So thank God for Kim Marsh, who, when Jack Ryder left her, pointed out that it was “only with an overnight bag”.