Neu rave For those who know their Gareth Pugh. Spray-paint a sprig of holly black and glue on a couple of neon-orange pompoms (from Hobbycraft) to look like berries. Tie your gift with a wide black ribbon and use the pompom ensemble in place of a bow. Use any colour paper, as long as it’s black.
The gardener Nature is your god. Take brown parcel paper and sisal or tarred (never synthetic) string. Use three or four parallel lengths of string and tuck a sprig of rosemary or flame-coloured autumn leaves where you tie the string into a simple bow. Alternatively, use yellow paper and orange baling twine for a farmyard feel.
Urban hipster Devoted to your loft-living lifestyle? Buy Chatwin Brothers wrapping paper and designer packing tape (from www.beyondthevalleystore.com) and wrap your presents with an anal neatness, then tape up at self-consciously wacky angles.
The fox You’re hot and you know it. Use Ann Summers bondage tape as ribbon — preferably in red, so there is no mistaking your intentions — and dark, plain wrapping paper. Scrawl names on the side with red lipstick.
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Lavish For the love of sequins and Cavalli. Use gold paper — as shiny as it gets — and tie up with black lace in a multi-loop bow, to avoid the droopy, spaniel’s-ears look (it’s a danger with lace). Pinch the bow at the centre and secure with florist’s wire. For a Hollywood wild-child look, spray-mount the lace in strips onto the paper.
The fantasy list
We will always covet that which is beyond our reach — whether it’s a lover or the ultimate Christmas present — because only the almost unobtainable generates an absolute thrill. If you’re in the fantasy game, start modestly, with a pair of cashmere Fogal tights (020 7235 3115). Made for legs that rarely leave the chaise longue, they cost £200 a pair. They do have a silk gusset, though.
Then there is Bulgari. If it’s rarity and beauty that turn you on, you’ll have to battle it out at auction with the brand itself for its superhot, priceless 1960s and 1970s vintage jewellery, as worn by Keira Knightley, Chloë Sevigny et al. Or join a lengthy waiting list for its £50,000-plus reissues.
Otherwise, you could always sign up for the Bristol Fighter T. With a potential to hit 270mph, 0-60mph in less than 3.5 seconds and curves to knock La Johansson off her perch, this two-seater is all of £351,912. And so it damned well should be, with its hand-stitched leather interiors, turbocharged eight-litre V10 engine and gullwing doors. Well, we can dream, can’t we?
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Love, not money
All that materialism can really start to lose its meaning. For the return of that warm fuzzy feeling, indulge them in other ways.
Make a crossword or a pub-style quiz Cram full of in-jokes, naughty words and shared memories; let them win.
Plot a gorgeous walk in the country Take one hip flask, one historical point of interest, one wood, one waterfall, one map, one compass and one pub.
Record a song Take a well-known song and invent fresh lyrics (try www.rhymezone.com for words that rhyme). The tuneless should not be deterred: the effort is endearing.
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Baby-sitting vouchers “I promise to pay the bearer on demand one night of baby-sitting so that parent may delight in wanton irresponsibility for a few hours.”
Guerrilla gardening Sculpt a turf sofa into your garden; make a treehouse from scrap planks; or plant an acorn/chestnut/ cherry stone, dedicate it to a loved one and nurture for ever after.
Be a slave for the day Services to include multiple massages, grape-peeling, running a milk bath, page-turning, fanning, providing cocktails/champagne on demand, heating pyjamas, giving a jolly good servicing.
Charity-shop books and records Present a collection of Penguin Classics in original colour code: orange (fiction), green (fiction), maroon (travel), blue (biographies). And there are more than enough 99p charity records to go round: think Demis Roussos, Val Doonican, the Nolan Sisters.
The absence of your company Sign up to Crisis Open Christmas to serve Christmas dinner to and swap cracker jokes with the homeless.
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Re-gift NB: gift must be in mint condition, the original giver must never notice its absence, it must be the perfect thing for the recipient — and never re-gift if you can’t remember who gave it to you.
Home-bake a hamperful of seasonal goodies Wild-mushroom and hare pie, goose-and-sprout paté, quince cheese, hazelnut truffles, shortbread and toffee apples. Then have an indoor picnic or midnight feast.