After a huge overhaul and relaunch in 2006, Grayshott Hall in Surrey can still lay claim to being an English spa classic while now boasting some of the most modern facilities in the country.
Brendon
On arrival at Grayshott my first pleasant surprise, apart from Laura waiting for me, was a delicious three-course meal prepared after midnight and served in our room. Being a comic, I’ve spent the past 17 years checking in late to two-star establishments, so I’m more used to a one-armed man throwing sandwiches at me with a grunt than fresh cauliflower soup and griddled chicken at 1am.
My second pleasant surprise was how much there was to do at Grayshott, from tennis lessons to tai chi or simply relaxing together by the pool. But better than that, they leave you the hell alone - you can do as much or as little as you want with no pampering overkill or lurking waiters.
The grounds are well kept yet sparse and made good for a brisk morning constitutional. The room we stayed in, a suite in the main house, was immense, gorgeous and on a romantic weekend for two there’s really no need to leave it – we barely did.
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But if you must, then you are free to wander around the house in your robe and slippers - a get-up that at first made me feel insane and infirm rather than relaxed and revitalised? that was, until I had a facial.
There I said it. I’d like to say I punched a man and killed an animal with my bare hands before eating it afterwards. But I didn’t. And it probably wouldn’t be very romantic. I had a facial and back rub, then Laura and I wandered around in our robes and pants – happy, sated and feeling more than a little stoned.
Laura
Arriving bedraggled, beleaguered and bloody pissed off from the three-hour trek that is getting out of London on a Friday night - a flat-screen telly and a fluffy duvet weren’t going to change my opinion that the world sucked. But a delicious and filling three-course meal and a bath you could drown in went a long way to making me forget my A3 induced worries.
On Saturday morning I trotted downstairs for a massage - it may seem strange having another man rub your pressure points when you’re on a relaxing weekend with your partner, but I couldn’t recommend it more - you can give direction without seeming demanding and your spine won’t feel like it’s been realigned with the blunt end of a spade. Plus you both reap the benefit of your newly relaxed state.
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After my rubbing down we retired for lunch, where diners use the over-instructive “Healthy Eating Plate” - divided into coloured sections relating to food groups so you don’t overdo the carbs.
Having ignored this totally and loaded up on chicken drummers and ten different type of bean, I went through a gruelling 70-minute facial. Gruelling because I spent most of the time terrified that my oversensitive skin would erupt in pustules the next day. It didn’t, but the concept of oil for oily skin left me panicky. “Noooo!” I said in a whispered shout. “I have oily skin, not I want oily skin!”
However, by the time unguent eight had been smeared on and carefully wiped off my face I’d entered the kind of trance I imagine Buddhist’s spend years trying to master. On our departure the following day, the A3 appeared like a tiny, poppable pimple on the face of a chilled-out world.
WALLET WATCH A two-night stay at Grayshott in a Junior Suite costs from £595. Brendon had a Decl?or Advanced Precision Facial, £70. Laura had an Oriental Wisdom massage £65 and a Decl?or Advanced Precision Facial £70
NEED TO KNOW Grayshott Spa, Headley Road, Grayshott, Near Hindhead, Surrey. 01428 602020; www.grayshottspa.com
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For Brendon’s tour dates visit www.offthekerb.co.uk
For more than 245 independent spa reviews click here: timesonline.co.uk/goodspaguide