As part of their multimillion-dollar publishing deal with Penguin Random House the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are, reportedly, working on their own wellness guide. Nothing sells like rich and famous people telling us how to live our lives, and so at some point in the not too distant future Harry and Meghan will share with the world the secrets of how they are able to stay so . . . well.
What exactly are these secrets? How do they stay so well? At this point in time we can only really speculate. Which is exactly what I’ve done. So . . .
Harry’s wellness advice
Affirmations: Soothe anxiety and ground yourself in relentless optimism by starting each day with a series of positive statements about the person you are and the life you lead. For example: “Today is a phenomenal day. I am at peace. My soul radiates and warms the souls of others. I am considerably less bald than my brother, the dopey f***ing egghead. ‘H’ is a totally fine nickname for your wife to unilaterally share with the entire world and definitely doesn’t make you sound like the blond guy from Steps.” Just breathe. Just be.
Financial wellness: With the help of my wife I have come to realise that I have an energy that attracts money, be that from the Universe, the UK taxpayer or excitable publishing and television executives. I deeply wish I could tell you how to do it. But I guess it’s just something you’re born with.
Journaling: This is something that Meghan, who is my wife, and who I am married to, brought into my life. And I am so grateful that she did. Every evening you write down things that have happened to you that day, as well as how you feel about those things. Some people say it’s “just keeping a diary” but it’s not “just keeping a diary” because it’s called “journaling”, so it’s completely different. But being able to leaf through past entries and reflect on the vast range of emotions you’ve experienced is incredibly instructive. Some days, I now see, I can be angry, hungry and horny. Other days I can be horny, hungry and angry. Or just angry. Or a little bit hungry and very horny. See? We are such complex creatures. Accepting this is humbling.
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Ice therapy: Experience the invigorating and rejuvenating effects of subzero temperatures by simply walking into a room full of close family members.
Exercise: I’ve always needed a physical outlet, but I worry that too many people in the world today aren’t getting the exercise they need. But what I really want to get across is that you don’t have to go through the hassle of expensive gym memberships etc. In fact, it needn’t be anything more complicated than just showing up to an international-level polo tournament, wild swimming off the coast of your private Canadian island — if that’s where you happen to find yourself — or even, at a pinch, doing some extra vigorous hand gestures while being interviewed for your Netflix documentary. Anyone can do it. That’s my message to you.
Philosophy: Recently I’ve been immersing myself in the work of the great stoic philosophers. Seneca. Marcus Aurelius. Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Tommy Shelby. Jonny Wilkinson. Ant Middleton. So much wisdom.
Meghan’s wellness advice
Sound healing: The universe is made of vibrating energies. I’ve always known this, even when I was just this gawky, clever, pretty little girl with a big dream of becoming a wellness trillionaire. But being able to tune into the right vibrations can release soooo much of the tension inside of you. For instance, by listening to just five minutes of one of my podcast episodes, H will become so relaxed and at peace that he will fall fast asleep. It’s so romantic, I know.
Crystal healing: I’d encourage everyone to try this. From first-hand experience I can tell you that covering yourself in precious stones is a genuine mood-enhancer, plus the health benefits are well documented: my late grandmother-in-law regularly wore the Cullinan Diamond on her head and lived to 96.
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Yoga: I love yoga. I always have, and I will never apologise for it. Was the idea of a British princess who also loved yoga and who just wouldn’t stop talking about yoga and being photographed doing yoga poses in designer dresses just too much for some members of the British establishment to take? Sadly, I think we all know the answer to that.
Diet: We are flexitarians, which means that during the week we love to stick to a raw, paleo-vegan diet, consuming nothing more per day than we can each fit into our cupped and grateful hands. But life’s about balance. So at the weekend we loosen the rules, let our hair down and really rock’n’roll! I, for example, will drink one (ONE) mimosa and possibly look at some high-res images of cheese, while H will enjoy one of his “power smoothies’’ (ingredients: 15kg Eton mess, three out-of-date army ration packs, 20 Marlboro Reds and a nebuchadnezzar of 2011 Armand de Brignac, blitzed for 30 seconds and downed in one). See? Balance.
H&M’s final word
Sexual wellness: One of the most liberating things about finally being free of our duties and obligations as active royals is finally being able to shine as the sex gurus the stuffy British monarchy never allowed us to be. Some cynical people will say that this is simply us testing the water in advance of trying to muscle in on Goop’s lucrative double-sided vibrator wand action. This is simply not true. However, if you are interested in receiving information on the forthcoming Harry & Meghan range of carbon-neutral, recycled bamboo ball gags, personal massagers and the game-changing his’n’hers “Orb and Sceptre” special, don’t delay and join our mailing list today.
