Da da. Dadadada. As I watched Gordon Brown at PMQs I heard the theme from Jaws. He’s dangerous again. Yes, I know, it seems incredible, but he is back from the dead, battered, bruised but still a bruiser. How does he do it? I suspect drugs, some kind of political Botox that works on the entire body, leaving only the face deceptively crumpled with luggage eyebags intact.
It gave Dave a fright. Well, I guess if you’re expecting a ghost and the real man, flesh and blood, shows up, it is strange.
“Can I first of all say how pleased I am to see the Prime Minister in his place!” Dave crowed. The Cabinet, a row of suits, so male it could be a stag do, looked gloomy. I was transfixed by Peter Hain, sitting next to the Prime Minister, who actually seemed to be getting more orange by the minute.
That was his best moment for Dave now launched an attack, the crux of which was that Gordo was secretly plotting to change the voting system. The Prime Minister said that, actually, he did not favour PR for Westminster elections. Dave hinted darkly at sinister forces at work (though Lord Mandelson was not present).
Gordon wondered why Dave wasn’t asking about the economy. Dave exploded: “It is remarks like that that make you a figure of ridicule across this country!” Gordon gave him a deadly stare. Dave, hamming it up like the B-actor he aspires to be, insisted: “Everyone is entitled to ask what his motive is. For 12 years, not a squeak about electoral reform and suddenly because he’s getting trashed at two elections, he puts it on the agenda!”
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Surely some mistake, I thought. Gordon Brown had just been through hell. Why were the Tories focusing on an intangible idea about electoral reform? It all seemed a conspiracy theory too far. Maybe they believe Diana, Princess of Wales was murdered, too.
As Dave flailed away, I watched in amazement as Gordo brought out something we haven’t seen for a while — the Great Clunking Fist. Gordo swung with increasing vigour, as if the near meltdown had never happened, at the Tory spending cuts, on lack of policies, on Dave’s lack of substance.
Dave kept on about the terrible plot to undermine our democracy. The Prime Minister had said that he had no plans for a referendum on PR. Didn’t we see what this meant? It meant that he HAD plans for a referendum. (Perhaps, I mused, Dave is equally passionate about the Kennedy assassination.) Now he challenged Gordo to “stand up and rule out” a referendum.
“I said I had no plans,” Gordo said. “I repeat I have no plans.”
For the Opposition leader, this was absolute proof. “Let’s be clear about this ‘no plans’! A man with no democratic legitimacy, who has never been elected as our prime minister, who has been defeated every time the public has been able to vote, is now considering trying to fix the rules of the election before the next general election! Isn’t that what’s happening?”
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Gordo got out his Great Clunking Fist again, pummelling away. What was going on? It is all very puzzling. Maybe, I thought, this is not what it seems. Maybe it’s all a Tory plot. Dave is pulling his punches to keep Gordon in place. After all, stranger things have happened, like the fact that Lord Lucan is still alive and living in Skegness.